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Phoenix Nexus  News Subspace Static 210.1 |
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| Subspace Static 210.1 |
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 Ho ho ho? From the offices of the GTT: For too long has the fat man in the red suit unfairly traded, cutting into our profits. We therefore declare a trade war against Santa. We demand he turn over all production facilities in the North Pole System and we will retain his indigenous labour force, the E-lves. Distribution of tradegoods known as X-Maspresents (39999) will be handled exclusively through GTT trade centres. Anyone dealing in X-Maspresents independently of GTT distribution centres will be attacked for infringement of our trade rights. NO returns will be honoured. For the new year, why not save yourselves a bit of cash and just send us all your money? Mohache On The Move A sinister bout of Starbase renaming is taking place, with GTT Thermopylae being the first to fall to the Mohache's insidious plan. In related news, our Mohache overlords would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Or else. Pirate Christmas A large number of pirate vessels have been launching suicide runs against well defended starbases over the course of the past week, leading many to suspect that this is some sort of festive celebration gone horribly horribly wrong. Biscuits Shocking news as we have just learnt the retired Imperial Viceroy, Admiral Lord Simms' Christmas biscuit supply may have been stolen! Christmas Cancelled? Worrying news from the Twilight Periphery when a mysterious vessel was sighted heading for major populated zones: SNT : Aclaus (251209) - Ship Sleigh Class Freighter ( no armour) Targeted by FEL Scrouge FCN Grinch SMS Humbug BLOWN UP SNT are recommended to double check the naughty list before attempted combat transactions in Twilight. More From Twilight - A Merry Tentacled Christmas? FLZ Press Release: The FLZ were expecting a delivery of turkey so were fooled by the FCN bird shaped ships. The FEL ships were harnessed to the SMS ships which were painted red with a big white nebulous cloud of complex compounds on top. After studying the footage even the warheads were painted red and white and bedecked with bows. Is it any wonder we were fooled - the first time we try a human tradition and we get stung by it. Even now I hear that some warheads are lodging in the platform structure and the stupid crewmen are trying to undo the bloody ribbons rather than getting the hell away from there. To top it off the local defence forces were slow to recover due to the overly heavy cake produced by our wimble sl, ahem, cooks. A plot of nefarious deviousness. Gather the fleet. Issues the orders. Arm the troops. Shoot the cooks! Disappointment For Treasure Winters The traditional hot race for the number one slot in the Detinus charts (the only music worth listening to!) has been decided after a hard fought campaign. Nuking in the name of... (ARC edition) has officially beaten Treasure Winters cheerfully nude version of 'Oh come all ye naked,' to #1. Chew Toys Sell Out Dewiek Elder Nation happy. Flagritz / Falconian War Our reporters have learnt that the Flagritz Republic may finally have run out of shooting turkey jokes this festive period. Which probably explains hurried attempts by the besieged Evil Alien Empire ™ to buy in a large number of unemployed comedians as part of their entirely free to leave at any time they want, this really honestly isn't slavery program. Christmas Postponed? Worrying news from the Detinus Senate this week, as the rumour mill suggests that the DTR have postponed Christmas while they discuss making a final decision on exactly what to get each other for presents. In other news from the Republic, Speaker Sivar seems to have been eating a lot of very fancy biscuits lately… Actual Proper Serious News We interrupt this festive run of spurious nonsense to bring viewers something that is probably quite important: CIA Confederate News (CCN) Due to events which have occurred today, within the Halo system Agripeta, The OPS affiliation are declared Pirate by the Confederacy. The evidence supporting this are detailed as follows: Yesterday, an OPS ship made a transaction with a confederate outpost: Quote: CNF OUTPOST West Point (XXXXX) Date 50.3: OPS Viceroy (791) sold 630 Human Marines (506), for 31500 stellars Then today, a pirate ship was destroyed in the orbit of An Aurum Concursus (4985), Agripeta (198) - {Gamma,6} : Quote: Printed on 17th December 2009, Star Date 209.50.4 ---------------------------------Battle Summary--------------------------------- PIRATE Viceroy (791) - Ship Raptor Class Troop Transport {Light Armour} Armour: 37.3 Hull Damage: 100.0% BLOWN UP! As this ship still clearly holds its original name and ship registry number, it can only be assumed that the OPS affiliation are Pirates. As part of this declaration, the following actions will be taken: 1. The OPS affiliation is hereby banned from all Confederate claimed systems, and all planetary bodies contained within, without exception. 2. The OPS affiliation is to be placed on enemy lists, both space & ground lists, henceforth on all Confederate defence positions. As precaution to the already specified actions, a submission to the commonwealth council will be made to have the OPS affiliation banned from all commonwealth space. ****** End of Transmission ****** KAS Announcement The Kastorian Military Junta would like to remind everybody to behave, and that drink driving will not be tolerated. Any violation of KAS law will result in a meaningful glance towards the Kastorian System Weapon. ***** Festive Periphery Classifieds ***** *** Wanted *** One Christmas. Please deliver to Inversion. Last Christmas was 'accidentally' cooked and eaten. Cheerful Musical Interlude Hark the Herald by Tamar ibn Vakare (A filk to the tune of: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) [June 1980] Hark! The Herald Alfgar screams, Don't use blues on top of greens. Or and argent, that's all right, Metals and tinctures don't fight. Use a blend, no Highland plaids, Keep it simple, please my lads, Azure, vert, purpure and gules, Must follow all my Herald's rules. Hark! The Herald Alfgar screams, Don't use blues on top of greens. Hark! The Herald Alfgar yells, Don't use cars and oilwells. Period, we beg you please, Tygers we can draw with ease. Please don't ask for rubber bands, These must pass through Laurel's hands. We draw rampant, couchant, too, Dancing the Hustle, no can do! Hark! The Herald Alfgar yells, Don't use cars and oilwells. Extent Of Humour Variable Q: What's the difference between a Pirate and an Imperial commander? A: The pirate can actually successfully capture Freedom City. From The Blog Of Ulysses F. Scott (Not that we are suggesting the Confederates have nothing better to do than hold sing alongs… ) On the first day of Christmas, The True One sent to me A Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the second day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the third day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the fourth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the fifth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the sixth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the seventh day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Seven imperials a-shooting, Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the eighth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Eight monks a-milking, Seven imperials a-shooting, Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the ninth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Nine spooks spying, Eight monks a-milking, Seven imperials a-shooting, Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the tenth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Ten barons a-sleeping, Nine spooks spying, Eight monks a-milking, Seven imperials a-shooting, Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the eleventh day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Eleven suits stealing, Ten barons a-sleeping, Nine spooks spying, Eight monks a-milking, Seven imperials a-shooting, Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.. On the twelfth day of Christmas, The True One sent to me Twelve generals gunning, Eleven suits stealing, Ten barons a-sleeping, Nine spooks spying, Eight monks a-milking, Seven imperials a-shooting, Six hive a-laying, Five tentacled Flagritz, Four purring Felini, Three Dewiek dogs, Two dozing Mohache, And a Falconian strung up in a tree.! *** Wanted *** All we want for Christmas is a way back home! - Consortium Fleet. ****** Contacts: Editor: Simon Field - sss [dot] editor [at] googlemail [replacetoavoidspamdot] com |
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