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Phoenix Nexus News Subspace Static - Golden Kangs Special
Subspace Static - Golden Kangs Special




***** Inter Galactic News – Golden Kangs Special *****


*** Welcome To The Showbiz Event Of The Year ***

‘Hello, and welcome to Mobile Bay, glitzy showbiz centre for this years Golden Kang awards, please try to avoid the paranoid Kastorian thugs belonging to the Military Junta’s police department, who have been interrogating many of the fans who have flocked here for a chance to see all of the movers and shakers of the Peripheries. My name is Bob, and I’ll be your host this evening, along with my co-host Facerip of the Krell Universal Network Territory broadcaster, how are things down by the red carpet Facerip?’

‘Things are miserable Bob! Facerip wants to kill!’

‘That’s terrific Facerip. Got any exciting interviews lined up for us?’

‘Facerip talk! Nobody listen! Facerip assemble Krell suicide squad!’

‘Fantastic. We’ll be back to Facerip for more news as the guests begin to arrive.’


*** Elsewhere In The Peripheries ***

The skirmish in Kastor between Empire forces and the DTR appears to be escalating this week, with both sides are pouring in reinforcements as a major ground battle erupts on Mktlslktkslklklkklklk, or whatever the hell the damned planet is called.

Numbers of combatants are understood to be in the tens of thousands, and possibly rising towards hundreds of thousands.


*** Live From The Red Carpet ***

‘This is Facerip! Facerip bring news! Despite many rumours the Emperor of humanity, Lysander, and his entourage have not in fact turned up! Facerip hope Overlord Kang respond with customary violence to this snub from Imperial household. Facerip has got minor faceless noble from Confederacy here. MINOR FACELESS NOBLE! Does Emperor enjoy killing?’

‘Uh… well, obviously Emperor Lysander, blessed be his name, enjoys many hunting and shooting trips to his Estates both on Earth and throughout the Inner Confederacy, we always enjoy letting the hounds loose.’

‘Facerip think ‘letting hounds loose’ is code phrase! Facerip want to know if true that Confederate nobles hunt aliens and Lysander have wall of alien heads mounted on wall?’

‘The Emperor Lysander has many alien friends, he would never consider hunting any of them! I think I should probably go now…’

‘Facerip wish you much luck in rewards!’

‘Yes, well, I’m only here for the free booze.’



*** Elsewhere In The Peripheries ***

Dewiek sources have confirmed the death of the Meklan Baron LiQuan onboard one of the TCA vessels recently destroyed in the Great Turkey Shoot. Although no body has been recovered, and no evidence of his presence detected. But anything that was onboard any of those TCA ships is now just atoms floating in the void. Apart from all the high-tech goodies looted by Empire forces from the wreckage of course.

But we’re pretty sure LiQuan is toast. Dead. Kaput. Permanently Krelled. Not hiding under your bed. Nuh-uh, no way.


*** The Auditorium ***

‘Hi, and welcome back to the Golden Kang’s, as you can see we’ve now moved inside the glamorous and historic Alien Theatre of Mobile Bay, just look at that architecture, isn’t it something Facerip?’

‘Facerip hates buildings Bob! Facerip prefer craters!’

‘Well that’s…’

‘SMOKING CRATERS! Filled with bodies, and the sound of glorious battle!’

‘Terrific. Have you heard anything about the GTT party, Facerip?’

‘GTT Kong not coming! GTT send press release! GTT Salvatore Kong undergoing treatment for piles. Too painful to sit in theatre!’

‘Come now Facerip, that’s not what their statement said, was it?’

‘Facerip read! Dear Mr Kang, Salvatore Kong is undergoing treatment for Stress Related Irritability, a work based injury. This is an intensive program developed by GTT Doctors and Scientists to speed the recovery of the sufferer. Much of this treatment restricts public contact, therefore he will be unable to attend. It may warm your cockles to know that Salvatore has regained much of his vigour and feeling well enough to be working through the CEO's liquor cabinet. His tan is coming along nicely also. Signed Tanya Hyde. Dept. of Rest and Recuperation.’

‘Well well Facerip, that does sound like you were right the first time.’

‘FACERIP KNOW THIS BOB!’

‘I see the Ulian party has arrived and is taking their seats, that’s a fetching display of military uniforms and shiny medals, isn’t it?’

‘Facerip have shinies! Facerip like shinies!’

‘Yes I do believe the USN have sent some 30 representatives, and they all look slightly confounded by all of this glitz and glamour. They have however been seated close to the stage in the VIP area, in front of the area earmarked for the Detinus Senate, as Kang has obviously set the seating plan to have the most genocidal up front.’

‘Facerip can see Emperor Lysanders’ reserved seating in the front row Bob! Just next to… a seat with a pair of shoes sitting on it?’

‘Yes well I’m sure that’s just a co-incidence. And yes, I do believe the Ulian delegation is armed, as all good brutal dictators should be. But maintaining a safe distance, I’d say they’re outside of hand-grenade range from the compere right there. Speaking of, what is unusual is we don’t seem to have any Flagritz attendees at this evenings event… And who are those strange men in black hiding in the parking lot fiddling with the Ulian delegations transporters?’


*** Elsewhere In The Peripheries ***

Falconian Newsreel.

Inner Empire News
Falconian Warships are now returning to the Cluster triumphant from their victory over the TCA. A Rescue ship has just started to pickup survivors from the destroyed Falconian vessels at Sparta. There are however, disturbing rumours that disrupting the balance between the ARC and TCA may have unexpected repercussions. Not good ones I'll wager.
Halo News
Falconian traders were alarmed to see many recognisable pirate vessels at the Agripeta wormhole. We have accepted assurances that these vessels are no longer connected to pirate activities. It is deplorable that a region used by so many trainee captains should be one that presents such a moral vacuum that this is unremarkable. Only those of the highest moral fibre could come through such a background and still be worthy to join the Falconian republic.
Outer Capellan News
Trade shipping has been diverted from normal duties to assist in the transfer of materials from the old starbases of the noble houses to the centralised base now representing all houses, Dark Sun City.
Customers looking for bargain ship parts will benefit from watching Falconian markets closely for the sale of surplus stock at cost prices.


*** The Auditorium ***

‘Ah, I see the Empire have not completely decided to boycott the Golden Kangs, as I can see Mary Stryker, the unofficial Ambassador of the GTT, attending the Awards ceremony in place of her husband, James, and she appears to be accompanied by her son, Colonel Benjamin Stryker.’

‘Facerip not care!’

‘Mary is dressed in a powder blue, full evening gown that accentuates her still very attractive figure.’

‘Facerip does not think you should be saying that about GTT high-up’s wife, Facerip not forget what GTT do to Krell in Storm!’

‘Colonel Stryker is cutting a powerful and imposing figure in his dark blue, GTT Star Trooper uniform.’

‘Facerip think Bob care too much what people are wearing!’

‘Oh do be quiet Facerip, I happen to know that Mary has brought six cases of the GTT’s newest trade goods, Stucker Tequila, to help lubricate the gala party to be held after the event. She has even brought the finest tea and biscuits to distribute among the attending DTR Senators and their families.’


*** Elsewhere In The Peripheries ***

Reports are filtering in of ground invasions taking place on multiple worlds throughout Detinus space.


*** The Ceremony Begins ***

‘Welcome back, and after weeks of anticipation, it’s time for the ceremony to begin! And here comes the musical darling of the Detinus Republic, Treasure Winters to open the show. Treasure is obviously eager to deny reports that she’s always on-message with the DTR senate, by performing her latest rousing hit single, ‘Mash Bash Crash Smash – Eliminate The Empire Trash!’

‘It’s a good turn-out from the Detinus Senate, who have attended in their entirety tonight, no doubt in the hope of winning Most Worthless Meatsack award. Or possibly because somebody told them there would be complimentary biscuits paid for by the GTT. Though after the Death By Shoe incident, I’m not sure the DTR will be accepting any gifts from anybody for the foreseeable future.’

‘Oh, and there’s a section of the audience, the Kang Fanclub, getting unruly down in the mosh pit.’

‘Facerip in middle of it! Facerip rumble!’

‘Excellent, we didn’t think it would be long before violence erupted somewhere in the crowd.’


*** Elsewhere In The Peripheries ***

Worst Exploration Team Ever.

Special Action/XXXXX/Civilian Population/HEX Initial Contact
Hex, the captain and only member of the ship, is ordered by his superiors to make contact with the civilian authorities of this world. He is to use their common origin of Titan as starting point.

As he leaves the ship he is surrounded. He makes introductions but is taken away by the hive, presumably to meet with the queen. Soon he is vivisected in the age of method of determining common heritage (consumption of a few telltale organs).

While no doubt they have now determined that he and presumably his ship are from a common background, having no survivors means that there is little further progress that can be made at this time...

Surface Exploration/XXXXXXX/Forests (Hive)*
The forests are a thick tangle of ancient flora. Huge trees with bowls spanning hundreds of metres and composed of interlocking trunks are common.
The air however is still and total silence greets the team even though they are certain that there must be fauna present.
They extend their search, finding insectoids but nothing significantly larger.
Suddenly a roar breaks the silence, causing the team to track. A second howl then chaos erupts. Flesh is shredded and the team are operating a firing retreat, laying waste to the surrounding forest.
A few frantic communications get out before silence returns to the forest...


*** The Ceremony Itself ***

‘Greetings, snivelling meatsacks, Overlord Kang welcomes you to the first inaugural Golden Kang awards! Kang expects you all to take your seats now, those of you who are capable, AND LISTEN TO KANG’S WORDS!’

‘It was only a short while ago that Kang was brutally torturing his underling and dreaming of a time when the Peripheries could be united in scorn for the pathetic, the febrile, and the frankly undeserving of oxygen, and thus the Golden Kang awards were borne, to pour scorn onto the most unworthy amongst us.’

‘Kang is displeased but not surprised to note that many of the most unworthy were such pathetic and cowardly sacks of meat that they didn’t even have the guts to turn up tonight. THIS PROVES THEIR STATUS AS WORTHLESS SACKS OF MEAT! And they have been added to The List, oh yes, and underlined. Kang hates you all, but Kang hates cowardice most of all. It makes Kang’s tertiary tentacle quake with rage!’

‘But with no further ado, Kang will get things moving along so we can all proceed to the after-party torture events we all have planned, one word of caution however, KANG WILL SIMPLY NOT TOLERATE LONG AND TEDIOUS SPEECHES! The only sentient worthy of using these awards as a platform for promoting his ideologies is Kang himself. Any speeches lasting longer than 45 seconds will be dealt with via Kang’s special under-stage trapdoor and hungry VAC-pit.’

‘The first award this evening is for the most memorable event of the year. This faced some stiff competition, and voting was tightly in favour of KANG becoming editor of the Galaxies Greatest News Outlet, but in the end there was only one clear runaway winner. Kang has the envelope here… and the winner is, The Spectacular Collapse Of The Confederacy!’

‘Kang can forgive more of you for not voting for him on this one, the collapse of the Confederate empire throughout the Cluster Periphery, falling to a coalition of non-humans, has kept Kang very amused. Arguably almost as amused as the Dewiek, Flagritz, and Falconians have been, watching system after system fall. Unfortunately Kang contacted the Confederate Supreme Commander, and he was unwilling to attend, because he is a truly worthless sack of meat, and KANG PITIES HIM! So Kang has dispatched his Golden Kang award. Kang hope it arrives. Kang hopes you hold it close to your chest. And ignore that strange ticking sound.’

‘Moving on to our second award, The Most Worthless Stupid Sack Of Meat In The Peripheries award. And let Kang take a moment to assure you that you are all winners in this category, irrespective of whether or not you were even nominated. Kang can see a good turn-out of the nominees here, the pair of shoes that murdered the meatsack known as Diaz, the Detinus Senate, oh how Kang hates you bunch of prevaricating nobodies, you will however note there are no Mohache present. Kang tipped off the Kastorian Military Junta that all incoming Mohache were smuggling blueprints of the System Weapon, so with any luck they are even now being brutally interrogated in holding cells at the spaceport.’

‘The voting for this award was much tighter, with several meatsacks in contention until right up until the end. But in the end it came down to a two meatsack race, the Baron LiQuan, and the Emperor Lysander. Both of whom, sadly, are also unable to attend this evenings ceremonies, one on account of having been recently blasted into atoms, and the other for being a febrile coward. But Kang has the envelope here… And the winner is… The Emperor Lysander! For over-seeing the loss of the Cluster Periphery! It’s a double-win for the wretched Confederacy!’


~~ click ~~



*** The Lights Go Out ***

‘Well, this is your host Bob reporting on what appears to be a complete power failure throughout the auditorium, the facility has been plunged into darkness, and… are we still broadcasting?’

‘Facerip can hear you Bob!’

‘Yes, we’re still on air. This is extraordinary, you’d think the Kastorian Military Junta would have paid their electricity bill. Oh no, wait, the lights are back on! And wait… where has Kang disappeared to? The stage is empty! Has anybody seen Overlord Kang?’



*** The After Party, By SSS Showbiz Reporter Vacuous Mary ***


Most of the gossip at the After Party was dominated by the disappearance of the host, Overlord Kang. Rumours are flying thick and fast as to what might have happened.

The Emperor Lysander is being widely criticised for not having sent representation to the ceremony, although the whole thing is being seen as a further embarrassment for the beleaguered Empire Of Humanity, and by far and away the happiest faces seen here at the party were alien. At least… we assume they’re happy, it’s sometimes hard to tell with these aliens. ‘Smug’ might be the word.

The Ulians seem particularly happy to have avoided what seemed a certain armed conflict with the Flagritz, who chose not to attend. Although each race is now busily blaming each other for the disappearance of Kang, along with the Golden Kang award that was destined for Lysander.

The very social Mary was spotted flitting from group to group with her son trying to keep up with her. She flitted from groups of FET, FCN and even DTR among others. She seems to have been having a very hush, hush conversation with Consul Armand of the FCN; apparently regarding some private messages that he and James Stryker had recently exchanged. She giggled unabashedly among the growing gaggle of her entourage. Her joyous laughter could be heard throughout the hall. She and Benjamin even had an animated conversation with DTR Senator Darius Shirazi discussing the good old days when Shirazi was head of the Falconian Republic and the Strykers were newly installed leaders of then GTT starbase London.

Speaking to the press, she said: “Surprisingly, this was a very enjoyable event, I wouldn’t have thought Editor Kang had the social skills to have pulled off such a magnificent evening. Obviously, he has a much higher social IQ than I would have guessed. Benjamin and I truly enjoyed ourselves and this will certainly be considered one of the premier social events of this season.”

Elsewhere, ravishing beauty Mona Luvsitt has attracted a great deal of media attention thanks to what people are already calling ‘That Dress!’ Woven out of some sort of advanced nano-fabric, it appears the dress became strategically more and more see-through depending on the race of the person observing it. To humans, it was simply risqué, but to aliens it was decidedly scandalous.

A slightly disappointed Mona left the event denying that she was wearing a set of ‘I Luv Kang’ underwear.




*** OOC Message From The Editor ***

Thank you all for your contributions, I’ve done my best to fit in as much of what you sent me as I could.

Apologies for the delay in appearance of this weeks edition, it took me longer than I thought to bash it all into shape.

Hope you enjoy the first Golden Kang awards. Hopefully we’ll do it all again next year.

- Simon.