Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Filthy Wretched Human News. Star Date 214.18.5
Filthy Wretched Human News. Star Date 214.18.5



Filthy Wretched Human News. Star Date 214.18.5

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Message From The Editor ***

Greetings puny meatsacks of the Peripheries, Overlord Kang sends you FLUFFY WARM THINGS and BEAUTIFUL KITTENS to CHEER you today.

It will no doubt be a source of woe to many of Kang’s beloved readers that Kang continues to feel under the weather, Kang is suspicious that something must be amiss as Kang is filled with WARM LOVING thoughts of all of the TENDER things he would like to do to human meatsacks. Particularly the Empire Of Humanity, and the Emperor Lysander, whom Kang DOES NOT SUSPECT IN THE SLIGHTEST of having implanted some sort of brain control device in Kang’s head when he was abducted from the Golden Kang ceremony.

Kang would like to HUG you all in your fleshy LOVEHANDLES with his rusty gutting hook until you LAUGH and your CUDDLES fall off on the floor in a growing pool of JOY.

Buckle up your flesh-sacks, here is the news.


*** Arachnid ***

After reporting on the tragic lack of violence between the GTT and DTR in the Arachnid system, Kang can now happily confirm that brutal levels of violence have erupted across the surface of planet 21.

Intent on ejecting a filthy Detinus ground presence, the BELOVED GTT formed a strike force and threw it at the regiment calling itself the Detinus Light Horse. Perhaps expecting them to be lightly equipped. Unfortunately for the 2000 attacking GTT Kastorian and Naplian mercenaries, the Light Horse consisted of well trained Startroopers with armour support in greater number than the 300 assault tanks carried by the GTT.

They were brutally wiped out after a short sharp conflict for the loss of approximately 50 DTR soldiers.

The Detinus Light Horse then launched a successful attack against a GTT mining facility that had been in the process of strip mining the planet. Citing some sort of tree-hugging ‘environmental concerns’, the Brutal Kitten Slaughtering DTR seem intent on ‘stopping an environmental disaster’.

Wretched liberal environmentalists.

Kang approves of strip-mining. Kang is only disappointed that the BELOVED GTT did not deploy slaves in their mines. Slaves might not be the most efficient strip miners in the Peripheries, but they are the funniest. They are also at least 84% more polluting than regular workers!


*** Arachnid ***

A massed DTR fleet action saw the 2000 hulled ex-CNF platform that recently swapped to fly GTT flags hit, in what some might describe as a surgical strike, but what Kang likes to call a Meatsack Shoot.

The platform was pummelled by massively superior firepower and blown up in short order, managing to inflict zero casualties in return.

In fact such was the savagery of the DTR strike, that Kang understands not even a single piece of internal equipment was destroyed amongst the attacking Detinus forces.

It’s just like Kang says, if you go in? Go in hard and brutal.


*** Boltzman ***

A squadron of small and insignificant DTR freighters have reportedly been destroyed in the Boltzman system. Kang knows no more than this.


*** T. Tauri ***

13 GLORIOUS and MAGNIFICENT Empire ships have destroyed a lone DTR Bumblebee class freighter with the loss of all hands.

The filthy rebels then attempted to intercept the GLORIOUS IMP raiders, but failed to bring them to combat, instead getting off a few desultory parting shots.


-----------
Date 18.1: IMP TBG1-06 Its Up To You (92922) is leaving combat, opening fire at
maximum range.
Attacking IMP TBG1-06 Its Up To You (92922)
-------------------------------------------
Round 1: 8 WoMD Launcher mkIIs (AM Missile)
- 7 hits - 2867 [3500] damage - 84%
22 WoMD Launcher mkIIs (Kinetic Missile mkIII)
- 17 hits - 402 [1190] damage - 84%

Incoming Fire from IMP TBG1-06 Its Up To You (92922)
----------------------------------------------------
Round 1: 1 Tractor Beam mkIII
- 1 hit - 0 [0] damage - 50%
- Tractor beams reduced positions speed by 0.26%


Mmmmmmmmm…. Desultory….


*** Arachnid Quarantine Zone ***

DTR sources have advised all travellers to steer clear of Planet 21 in the Arachnid system, and the associated A13 orbital quadrant.


*** Titan ***

A lone DTR scout ship has been detected and destroyed by an IMP facility in the Titan system.


*** Hey Meatsack! Claim your bounty ***

Someone no longer needs to be posted.

DEBRIS FFW HKV (30565) - 2500 stellar bounty


*** Farseed ***

Puny Detinus Meatsacks have bombarded the Empire base IMP Farseed in, uh, the Farseed system.

Kang feels as if he is typing ‘Farseed’ a lot.

Ironically in Flagritzi we sometimes use the word farseed to denote what happens when [Japanese Schoolgirl Joke Censored].

WHAT IS THIS? WHO DARES CENSOR KANG! THEY WILL FEEL MY WRATH!

And it will be more Wrath than this:

IMP Farseed (50663) - Outpost
Shields: 353600(228.2)
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 1 (82005) - 56 [8280] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 11 (25689) - 10 [8730] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 6 (26944) - 109 [8460] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 9 (37599) - 61 [8460] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 3 (57941) - 68 [8160] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 10 (72380) - 77 [8760] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 7 (77889) - 39 [8310] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 2 (18526) - 17 [4530] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 13 (37025) - 33 [4560] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 4 (44396) - 16 [4620] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 5 (78692) - 39 [4620] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 8 (84870) - 23 [4620] Damage
Targeted by DTR Big Dog 12 (94382) - 15 [4620] Damage
IMP Farseed Freedom Force (27567) - Ground party
BLOWN UP!

Behold, the advantage of Starbase shields.

Behold, the disadvantage of a ground party standing just outside the shielding.

Foolish ground party.



*** Lone Barge Runs Away ***

A GTT Barge in violation of the Arachnid Quarantine Zone had to dump cargo and flee when it bumped into a small number of Detinus warships.

Kang is as bored of this news item as you are.


*** Arachnid ***

Artillery fire has erupted on the surface of Planet 21 as the Detinus Republic seeks to bring the GTT facility on the planet equipped with a Hiport under fire. Presumably under the hope that this is the central GTT hub on the planet.

The facility instantly sprouted a bunch more shielding and some artillery of its own to shoot back with.

Kang sincerely hopes the explosions rapidly intensify into a planetary firestorm. Is an Anti-matter bombardment unleashed by somebody really too much to ask?


*** Ossica ***

Detinus Republic raiders have struck and destroyed a mysterious IMP facility floating in deep space in the outer rings of the Ossica system.

Kang did not even know there was an Ossica system.

Kang applauds the bloodshed however.

Perhaps the facility was packed with civilians?

Baby civilians?

With tiny innocent kittens clutched in their soon-to-be-dead-meatsacks hands?

Kang doubts it. Kang is never that lucky.

BUT YOU CAN BE LUCKY WITH EMPEROR LYSANDER BY YOUR SIDE!

HAIL LYSANDER!

Oh for heavens sake. Kang will have to do something about this.


*** Badlands ***

It is certainly a busy week for DTR vs The Empire news, as Kang has received word of a moderately sized fleet action in the Badlands system where around 80 vessels have tangled with each other, inflicting moderate damage on each side.

Amusingly Kang understands the filthy liberal tree-hugging Detinus Republic sent a squadron of 30 warships into battle captained by civilian captains, who were unwilling to open fire on anything. Wretched peaceniks.


*** Another Skirmish ***

A superior force of Empire vessels has caught and pounded a small squadron of DTR Light cruisers in the T. Tauri system. 3 Detinus light cruisers were destroyed, for no losses amongst the IMP.



*** Confederate Press Release ***

FROM: CNF PRESS OFFICE (CPO)
TO: CONFEDERATE MEDIA AGENCIES

DATELINE: 214.15.3
LOCATION: CITY OF BRASS, EARTH

The plaintiff ALDAHAN LIQUAN was charged in absentia with TREASON, GIVING COMFORT TO THE ENEMY and BRINGING THE CONFEDERACY INTO DISREPUTE.

The plaintiff DEMETRIUS LIQUAN was charged with EMBEZZLEMENT and ATTEMPTED THEFT OF STATE PROPERTY.

The plaintiff HOUSE LIQUAN was charged with UNLAWFUL ENSLAVEMENT and negligence in their duty to protect the Confederacy.

The judge presiding was SUPREME COMMANDER DARIUS SHIRAZI. Advising, via telepresencia: Advocate General Duke Laton, Baron Porter, Baron von Vehrenburg, General Ulyssess F. Scott and General Leanordo Saxonburg.

The plaintiff ALDAHAN LIQUAN was found GUILTY on all charges. Sentencing was suspended as the suspect is presumed dead.

The plaintiff DEMETRIUS LIQUAN was found GUILTY on all charges. The sentence of death by firing squad was commuted pending review.

The plaintiff HOUSE LIQUAN was found GUILTY on all charges. All assets belonging to this Noble House were seized by the State and the primary starbase on Masada dissolved.

Evidence dockets were sealed by the court. Further enquiries should be made to the Advocate General.


*** Raid In Pegasus ***

DTR raiders have visited another IMP mining facility, bringing the gift of light and sound:

---------------------------------Battle Summary---------------------------------

IMP EP-52 (59344) - Outpost
Targeted by DTR CL 28 ARGONAUT (77575) - 5237 [5739] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 WAHOO (89336) - 15715 [17661] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 SALAMAUA (36908) - 15744 [17662] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 MILNE BAY (34640) - 17613 [19124] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW GEORGIA (50338) - 12560 [14174] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 MAGICIENNE (91765) - 17675 [19438] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 TRITON (76620) - 12194 [13386] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 MARENGO (11975) - 12968 [13991] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 RUNNER (52575) - 15526 [17437] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 WAGRAM (97121) - 11912 [13185] Damage


*** GTT Pummelled In China ***

Kang’s favourite affiliation that contains the letters ‘T’ ‘T’ and ‘G’ have taken a pounding in the China system in a week that isn’t quite this week, but was fairly recent, and not yet reported on.

A squadron of DTR light cruisers caught 7 freighters and destroyed them all.



ENOUGH! Kang grows weary of all of this filthy human news.

BRING KANG SOME ALIENS!

And some humans.

Kang will have them fight to the death for his entertainment in the Pain Pits.


KANG!



***** Message From The Editor *****

Apologies for the late arrival of this weeks edition. I'm still down with the dreaded lurgy. Getting very bored of this.

I know there's a lot of stuff I haven't caught up with yet. But I was on page 7 of the news here, and figured it was enough to be getting on with for now.

S.