***** The Kang Recruitment Interviews #1 – The DNA *****


Kang begins his strange and brutal journey to the heart of the Peripheries organisations by stopping off to interview the erstwhile leader of the puny ‘Democratic Naplian Alliance’.

Who are these Naplians you may well ask? And what is this wretched ‘democracy’ thing?

The answer is ‘inferior’, but Kang has agreed to set about this endeavour, so Kang will see it through to completion, one way or another.


It proved difficult to arrange a meeting with the leadership of the DNA, as they do not currently have any leadership at all. So after much brutal negotiation, Kang was able to track down some brainless meatsack who held a senior role in the DNA back when they were still active.

They agreed to meet Kang in an abandoned industrial complex close to a ruined ex-DNA Starbase on Mobile Bay in Yank, a place where the craters still smoke from one of the many ruinous and suicidal conflicts the DNA became embroiled in.

A group of nervous Naplians was present to meet Kang, and escort Kang deep underground to where these puny meatsacks burrowed their homes out of the living merciless rock. Kang witnessed first hand the desperate squalor these leaderless wretches conducted their existence in, open sewers, poor food, malnourished children. Truly, this is what happens when the strong steal all of your affiliations assets.

Eventually Kang could hear changing echoing through the tunnels, ‘Max is mad! Max is mad! Max is mad!’ went the chant, over and over. Through tunnels lined with candles, into a shrine of sorts, where a crowd of Naplians supplicated themselves before an alter with a rough face, presumably of their one-time leader Max, although the execution was poor. Max, who had disappeared, suspected killed, before apparently being returned from the dead. Only to vanish once again. It was not hard for Kang to understand how this might have inspired a messianic cult.

It was there Kang met the puny meatsack who agreed to answer Kang’s questions. A male Naplian wearing a rough hessian sack over his head for reasons that escape Kang.

‘Why are you not all dead already?’ Was Kang’s first question.

‘We Naplians are survivors, we wait beneath the ground for the one who shall lead us again!’

Max is mad, Max is mad, Max is mad, came the chant again.

‘Kang understands virtually all DNA assets have now been brutally absorbed by other affiliations, and most ex-DNA facilities are now in the hands of the Empire of Humanity, do you think you will be able to reclaim any of these?’

The masked figure stooped over at this, perhaps aware of just how little the DNA have left to them. This puny meatsack squared his shoulders and answered, ‘We are certain other affiliations will respect our democratic traditions, and will assist us in rebuilding!’

Once Kang’s hysterical laughter and natural urge to brutally slaughter every puny Naplian in sight had subsided, and, wait, who is Kang kidding, Kang’s urge to slaughter every puny Naplian will never truly subside, but Kang felt able to continue.

‘Do you worthless sacks of meat really think Max will return to lead you?’

‘Max is mad!’ Replied the masked figure fervently, provoking a greater and louder echoing chant from the assembled faithful.

‘Truly.’ Kang observed, ‘You are all a bunch of nutbags, and Kang is disgusted by you all.’

‘The DNA will die for our beliefs! And our right to freedom!’ The masked figure declared.

And there you have it, gentle readers, Kang has reached the core of this DNA affiliation, a group of puny nutjobs who will cheerfully die for their beliefs. Do you want to apply for the job of leading this band of ragged pathetic meatsacks?

If so, Kang thinks you should simply pull the pin on a grenade and hold it tight to your chest instead. It will be quicker and less painful.

Next? The Wimbles.