***** Inter Galactic News *****
*** Breaking News: Caliph Samuel Assassinated ***
The nominal head of the Caliphate, Samuel has been murdered in broad daylight at the starbase CAL Sidon in the Fortress system. The allegedly mad zealot was on his way to meet representatives of various civilian factions when a shadowy figure *cough*CIA agent*cough* shot him dead.
The CIA issued the following statement to the SSS with a customary nudge and a wink: "In these difficult times, as we come to terms with the loss of Samuel, we are taking things one day at a time.
"Samuel was not only our Caliph, but our leader during the Second Civil War which laid the foundations for the Confederacy after he left the Human Empire and settled in the Darkfold. It is truly a sad day and one that will be marked in history as one of many great leaders who were cut down in their prime.
"We will strive now to look to the future, whilst remembering our past”
Speculation is rife that this is the first step towards a unification of the two-halves of the Stellar Empire. Others are more hopeful this is a return to the Confederacy or the mark of greater separation with the Imperial bloc. Time will tell what nebulous motives the shadowy puppet-master Laton turned out to have had and which alien faction will be blamed for the Caliph’s murder.
Inside this issue of the SSS: * HEX / FET Invade Sargasso * Magnus v Nevets Fight! * Dewiek Black Hole Disaster * FLZ Correction * &etc
*** Thugs and Bugs ***
Having found their way into the Sargasso system via an unstable wormhole, a combined fleet of HEX and FET warships have begun destroying the RIP platform guarding the freedom-loving privateers' home system.
No further details have been released at this time and no response was received from the RIP to our request for comment at time of press.
Does this mark the end of the RIP? Having been kicked by the IMP, now pincered by a vengeful FET and the moral crusading HEX, this may mark the end of the fun-loving criminals.
*** Valhalla Fighting Pits ***
From one side of the pit enters Nevets Motnahp, the large Felini sporting a fetching suit of armour equipped with some rather nasty looking claws. Opposing him is Magnus, twirling about what appears to be a weighted net.
As the fight begins, the two combatants seem evenly matched. The net is partially effective but is quickly shredded by Nevets before Magnus can capitalise on the advantage. And so it continues, for nearly an hour.
The fighting is fierce with minor lulls as the two fighters open distance to consider their tactics and asses their damage and remaining reserves.
Both sustain injuries that would eliminate less prepared individuals, but these wounds go unnoticed or ignored.
With both warriors running close to empty it is inevitable that only a small mistake is needed for one to gain the advantage. This mistake comes from Nevets.
During a short backward skip, his clawed boot snags on the discarded remains of Magnus's net causing a slight stumble and a shift in balance. This is enough for the Dewiek to move into the Felini unopposed and deliver the biggest haymaker in the annuls of hand to hand combat.
The crack of Nevets' skull fracturing is heard even over the screaming of the crowd, and as the felini falls backward Magnus is already on top and delivering more blows to the head.
By this point Nevets is blind due pressure in his skull is sufficient to deforming his eyes and preventing them from focusing. But is is quite clear where the Dewiek is and Nevets is able to mount a desperate defence. Levering his legs under the Dewiek, Nevets begins to bicycle his legs like it's his job, and with every cycle the clawed boots rip away at Magnus' belly.
Inevitably the Dewiek is forced to break away and address the issue of his entrails flopping around. Nevets takes the opportunity to try and gently shift the bones around his eye sockets into an acceptable configuration.
With neither combatant able to mount any attack, Magnus can't let go of his guts and the Felini can't see, they begin to trade insults. Pretty childish ones at that.
After going all the way down the list of inferior species, the act of calling each other Krell seems to tip them over the edge and the realisation of their hopeless situation sinks in.
Magnus is the first to start laughing, an act which makes wrangling the mass of tubes even more difficult. As Nevets joins in, each laugh and movement of jaw muscles makes his eyes bulge in quite horrific ways.
'I think we're done here. Fancy a drink, you Hive eyed freak?'
'As long as you do something with your guts first, I can smell the shit from here.'
'Fine. We'll stop by the medical station first. Get you a mask or something.'
*** Dewiek Go Where Sun Don't Shine ***
Word has reached the SSS offices, somewhat belatedly, that a DEN transport carrying thousands of Dewiek colonists met with a grizzly end whilst trying to transit a black hole. The young Wolf Lord responsible for the disaster was roundly hounded and has not been heard howling since.
*** Flagritz Correction ***
In the last issue we informed readers of an improbable Felini victory in Onwards and we were amazed that Crazy Uncle Flagritz had let this slide. It was a strange week where improbable events seemed to be happening with alarming frequency. We’re glad things have returned to normal as we have received the following missive from Crazy Uncle:
"The Felini "victory" came as the bulk of the FLZ forces had withdrawn with over 100,000 Felini Civilians as well as tons of ore and trade goods
"It also came at the cost of well over 30 Felini Warships
"Then again maybe the Felini consider the warships and Civilians like everyone else does
***** Periphery Classifieds *****
*** GTT Expand Markets ***
Sensible Tom Krieger, governor of both Acheron Harbour and GTT HQ, is offering to buy lots of goods at below their sell price and selling non-unique drugs for prices you’d have to be high to pay. When the incongruity of this was pointed out by Skyth De Sexiest FETtter around, he was told in very polite terms to go file it with someone who cares.
This is the GTT folks - you didn’t really expect to make a profit from the deal did you?
*** Litter Box Movers ***
Meower-in-chief Chamiah is looking for someone to move a lot of litter from Yank and Agripeta. If you’re looking for your next transportation job then, hold your nose and get in touch.
*** Chop Shop ***
Honest Sal of the GTT is looking to make the acquaintance of the owner of RIP Chop Shop. There’s absolutely no illicit deal or fencing of pirated goods going on here folks!
*** Krell Fibbers ***
Chickamauga Market in Yank is selling Fibrillium at a reasonable $30/mu. Go get some!
*** Dae or Dae not ***
Our old Pahl is looking for a gentle probing by the tentacled masters of FLZ Dae Solo. So if you want to give him a gentle ribbing do get in touch.
*** Wanted: SSS Columnists ***
We’re looking for columnists to help the Editor with regular columns along particular themes, for example tips for newbies or traders. If you’re interested please get in touch..
*** Submission and Anonymous Tips ***
Anonymous messages can be sent to our offices @ SSS Inter Galactic News HQ (39952).
Or you can submit stories in the usual way via Nexus.