Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 12.
Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 12.

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Voice of the Naplian Liberation Front ***

We are the Naplian Liberation Front. We have commandeered this station to bring you important and vital deprogramming. You are a slave of the Galactic Trouser and Tussles Imperium of Unspecified Services! We have witnessed the press ganged upon by Imperial thugs. Rounding up reporters by the thousands and throwing them in weasel dens. Mocking the Great Uncle of the Flagritz. Manufacturing consent out of a lust for imports of wheat cereals! We poor Naplians(*) are given no training and substandard equipment when preparing your nutritious breakfasts. We are sent forward by the Imperial snack commissioners with threats of triple-filing tax returns on unreasonable deadlines! Death would be preferable. We are allegedly paid a wage but have you ever tried to buy anything with just $1? Strangely none of those politicals earning $10,000 or more a week seem to care about our plight. Not to mention that the Imperials throw perfectly good meat into the grinder instead of slow cooking it in black bean sauce. They have no respect for a classic burrito! We are left grieving for young families who have never tasted quality ranch sauce. You don’t need to be a dead Naplian to know the value of a good guacamole.

* No actual Naplians included.

Inside this issue of the SSS: * GTT vs USN * GTT vs NLF * GTT vs IND * GTT vs KAS * GTT vs FET * GTT vs SSS * &etc

*** GTT vs USN ***

One-Eye bandit, Ike "Kick ‘em when they’re down” Krieger, has reported the destruction of five USN heavy cruisers. Huzzah!

*** GTT vs NLF ***

Nice-guy, Tom “I’m very polite and reasonable” Krieger, has defended loony bin reject brother-cousin-father Xav Krieger’s police action against pirate NLFers. Reporting success after success after success after success after tiresome success against the gnats, Tom questioned the bravery of the NLF from the risky position of a desk somewhere behind a fleet of several hundred advanced heavy capital warships.

*** Nom Nom Astra ***

Mind of the Hexamon Junior has reported the Astra system in Coreward is now part of the collective. Work on honeycombs and amplified buzzing acoustics can now begin in earnest. That’s all folks.

*** Deprogramming Resumes ***

We are a band called the Sentients of Species (SoS). We have banded together to make sweet, sweet rock'n'roll against the tyranny of the Imperial industrial noise that is just a fad. Our genre may be small but it is loud. We will air guitar to the death! To resist these music pirates. After all, that is what the Imperial forces are in reality. A bunch of peer to peer file sharers! They have a civilized veneer with the shiny chrome app interfaces, but in reality they are nothing but large scale pirates that go and take the bread out of honest musicians' mouths. We may run a pirate radio station on occasion but that is only so we can get the word out on how awesome our music is and how we are robbed of due royalties by those Imperial music pirates. We do not seed innocent networks with dud tracks, unlike some. We only like to give the IMP and their GTT lackeys the crypto-finger right in the bitcoins.

*** GTT Responds to NLF ***

GTT fun guy, Tom “sweet as pie” Krieger, gave the press corps a loud sigh, shaking his head wistfully as if remembering a childhood of homemade apple pie, soda stream and innocent touch football. At least until cousin-brother-mother Xav spoiled it all with his streaking past whilst smacking a wooden spoon on a tin pot worn on his head.

He did say something about Flagritz being behind the NLF. But he would wouldn’t he? Poor Tom. Tentacled at such a young age.

*** Deprogramming Resumes ***

We will gladly take donations from all sentients that are opposed to long trousers on summer days.

After several days orbital bombardment by GTT forces Imperial ground troops commenced a surprising ground assault of our base. Although it does seem a newly arrived squadron of CIA ships didn't receive the memo informing them of the assault. Instead they docked and asked where they could get the good stuff. We felt sorry for them and directed them to the canteen. Let no war come between a sentient and quality tacos.

*** Indentured Bad, Slaves Good ***

The Fessin, not a venereal disease but a Flagritz faction, has managed to get all indentured workers in the Flagritz Empire promoted to full slave status. Well done those Fessin!

*** GTT vs FET ***

Ye Olde Pahl of the Kahnter has angered the GTT by wasting their valuable time as his ships came under attack by the super secret stealth platform in Sol, Gamma 3. Worse still, instead of bending over and asking for more, please sir, he had the gall to complain publicly!

Silly Pahl. When will you learn? You’re just a guest in this GTT universe.

*** Deprogramming Resumes ***

A brave defender was heard commenting to his squad mates that although he could not be sure due to all the tacos eaten by the CIA advance squads, he thinks he saw quite a few IMP star troopers get seriously blown by their allies. Blown up. Either way, there was much merriment in the trenches.

The defenders held their ground, promising never to give up Mama’s secret ranch sauce recipe.

*** GTT vs IND / KAS ***

Super Sane And Sexy, Not At All A Rabid Idiot Brother-Son-Uncle, Xav Krieger is suspected of being responsible for the routine destruction of GTT warships by the KAS super weapon.

Xav gun and spotted an IND, didn’t he? Yessirree, he done gun and got ‘em killed, he did.

*** Deprogramming Resumes ***

It is nice to know that Tom “Even the NLF loves him” Krieger feels the need to lie and exaggerate.

Hardly minor damage to the the outpost in Besnar and the 'damage' inflicted on the ship’s crew, as they did just two bong hits over two days, was pretty lame. GTT crew need new lungs.

*** GTT vs SSS ***

Mrs. Kong, Imperial Commissioner of Petrol and Corporate Shilling, has filed a complaint against the SSS for reporting what is reported on public airwaves exactly as it was reported (Ed - for a change. That’ll teach us).

We duly filed the complaint with other submissions to the SSS of fair and balanced news from the GTT and IMP. The folder now counts 2 submissions, one under a pseudonym by a totally sane and not at all rabid mother-nephew-greataunt member of a prestigious family.

*** Deprogramming Concludes ***

The Forager was captured, but the pilot did make one last taco before zoning out.

Really just incompetence all around as over the GTT lost over 700 troops trying to prove they were The Man. This is compared to the roughly 200 N(*)LF troops that were defending the base. Even with overwhelming superiority, the lousy disc jockeys of the GTT just throw floor fillers after floor fillers without even a rest. You heard this statement. No more phat beats without a slow mellow inbetweener!

Ordnance is expensive. Obviously fat drops got to be timed just right.

* No Naplians included.

***** Periphery Classifieds *****

*** Mona Fuzz It ***

Mona, of the infamous strapless space suit and on-again-and-off-again special pal of old Pahl, is looking to make owners of FRE ship "What seems to be the problem officer?" really grateful. If you enjoy being the victim of a serial pirate lover, then dial M for muffins.

*** Animal Cruelty ***

Bad boy and reindeer lover, Skyth is looking to get into some serious fauna exploitation. For the moment he is restricting himself to the terrestial sort which makes this Martian raccoon feel a bit dejected.

*** Psycho Xenos ***

Warlord “Why am I a backstabber?” Namica is looking to understand the Dewiek better after getting a rental copy of old Earth classic "Lady and the Tramp” and awakening a new side of himself. If you have some of that hardcore Xeno Psychology to trade, he might be the ratty lover you’re looking for.

Maybe you can exchange it for that filthy rich Jacium he’s piping out of the top soil on Inversion.

*** Wanted: SSS Columnists ***

We’re looking for columnists to help the Editors with regular columns along particular themes, for example tips for newbies or traders. If you’re interested please get in touch..

*** Submission and Anonymous Tips ***

Anonymous messages can be sent to our offices @ SSS Inter Galactic News HQ (39952).

Or you can submit stories in the usual way via Nexus.

 
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