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Phoenix Nexus  News Subspace Static - Star Date 214.16.5 |
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| Subspace Static - Star Date 214.16.5 |
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 Subspace Static - Star Date 214.16.5 ***** Inter Galactic News ***** *** Message From The Editor *** Kang understands it is traditional to send joyous messages of rebirth at this time of year, in some twisted human meatsack celebration of their most popular death cult religion. Kang has no time to wish any of you a ‘Happy Easter’, and instead would like to take a moment to talk about the religious nature of the superior Flagritz race. Many meatsacks consider the Flagritz to be above such notions, but Kang finds his personal household Gods to bestow many happy happy blessings, particularly around the times of years when other meatsacks feel the need to knock at Kang’s door and offer celebrations. Kang harbours a particular hatred for carol singers. Perhaps one day Kang can introduce you to his Blessed Saint Meathook? Always popular on every Tear Out Those Entrails Thursdays. Or Kang’s personal favourite, the Holy Mary Mother Of My God How Big Is The Calibre On That Thing. Remember, febrile sacks of meat, whatever your religious views, Kang is certain they are inferior to his own. *** China *** Empire Of Whinging Meatsackery forces have engaged the Detinus Whingebag Republic in the China system this week, as their wide-ranging multi-system offensive against the DTR continues to roll on. A sizeable DTR platform in deep space came under heavy attack, as illustrated in this broadcast provided by DTR news sources: * The klaxon sounded in the platform's cramped Ops Room, and the young Naplian Ensign sighed as the seat vibrated in sympathy with the noise. He automatically began the mandated Sensor Contact Action Sequence, as the voice of the Combat Information Officer read off the all-too-familiar litany. He had no doubt this would turn out to be another scout, briefly flitting into range before jumping away too quickly for the platform's weapons to engage; by the monotone in his earpiece, this was a view he shared with the Lieutenant. "Contact designate alpha-alpha; ident... ah... golf tango tango; confirm hostile; ah... contact is dispersed; alpha-alpha is confirmed ground party; vector is..." A heartbeat. The atmosphere suddenly crackled across the Ops Room. By some instinct, shared even across the mixed-species crew, everybody knew everything had changed in that moment, before the CIO even began speaking again. "Vector is closing; We are Condition Red Bravo Three, I say again; We are Condition Red Bravo Three. All stations, weapons free; prepare to repel boarders" Within moments, the hum of energised photon weapons and the punctuated roar of missile launches began as the platform's weapons engages the oncoming cloud of tiny shuttles. Automated Battle Damage Assessment systems registered terrible damage to the attackers as they closed the gap, but the cloud did not stop or slow. A different klaxon sounded just as clangs and explosions began to echo through the hull. The Ensign, frantically busy, realised that his platform had been breached - the bloody slaughter of boarding had begun. His focus changed abruptly as tactical status reports from defenders across the platform began appearing on the console. The initial surge brought immediate gains for the attackers, but endlessly rehearsed defence plans did their job, slowing and eventually stopping the advance. Eventually, after minutes or hours - the Ensign could not have said had his commission depended on it - the attackers were repelled and forced off the platform. Discipline in the Ops Room broke far enough for a small spontaneous cheer to erupt, angrily silenced by the Watch Officer. The sense of joy and relief was short-lived, however, as the exhausted defenders realised the attackers had fallen back only to regroup and try again. Weapon systems began again spitting fire and death at the relentless attackers, but the Ensign began to despair as his console flashed an ammunition stock alert. Perhaps they would lose this day after all. Then the calm voice of the system governor himself came onto the Operational Net. "I confirm my personal authorisation for Protocol Zulu; I confirm my personal authorisation for Protocol Zulu" The unmistakeable symbol for Anti-Matter Launch glowed on the console, and the renewed attack was finally broken. The Republic had won this day. * Kang has seen the battle report, and Kang can confirm that 1 AM cluster munition warhead sure does make a PRETTY MESS of an attacking ground party. … it cheers Kang to the very deepest tentacle of his brutal and bitter soul. *** News From Festering Birthplace Of Humanity *** Kang has learnt that large-scale rioting has broken out across the African continent with ethnic minorities eager to slaughter each other. Government crack-downs have been implemented, and Kang sincerely hopes they are brutal. The cause of the rioting is unclear. Perhaps the meatsacks stuck on this filthy and unpleasant planet have just finally grown tired of their so-called ‘Periphery Saviours’ piling into their system and telling them how to run things? Kang thinks this is nothing a good virus bombardment couldn’t sort out. Kill the weak. Enslave the strong. Kang guarantees this will shut their whining mouths. *** Hellcorax *** Meaningless backwater Trans-Spiral system Hellcorax has seen brief excitement today as a small squadron of DTR light cruisers tangled with a similarly small squadron of EMP vessels all named some variation of ‘Hunka Junk’. Perhaps unsurprisingly the EMP came off worst, with two of the Hunks of Junk being destroyed, and the remaining 4 heavily damaged. Kang cannot help but wonder at the morale of ship crews going off to war in a vessel named ‘Hunka Junk’. But then Kang supposes this is no worse than being captained by the DTR’s infamous and unfortunately monikered ‘Captain Dummy’ family. *** Arachnid *** Small scale skirmishing has broken out on the planet Theridiidae in Arachnid between the DTR and GTT, and a 2000 hulled CNF platform has just switched to fly GTT flags, no doubt bringing the skirmishing to an end. Kang understands however that there have been no casualties at time of press, and is therefore very disappointed with everybody involved. SHAME ON YOU ALL! *** CIA Dissolved? *** Kang’s FAVOURITE ORGANISATION EVER, the CIA, appears to have vanished from the Peripheries this week with rumours that it has folded into the CNF as a whole. Is the end of everybodies favourite BRAINWASHING EXPERTS or will they spring forth like an from the bloody guts of a slaughtered lamb? Either way, Kang WISHES THEM WELL and hopes they fall into a blender and HAVE A VERY JOLLY TIME INDEED. *** DTR Fix Stuff *** Kang’s favourite Brutal Kitten Slaughterers, the Detinus Whingebags, have posted whinging notice that they are commencing an operation to restore the environment of meaningless planet Mktkl in some meaningless system somewhere, following the cheerful firing of AM warheads in orbit that Kang understands mucked up the local ecology. The whingebags have politely requested that nobody come and destroy their exquisitely expensive terraforming project while it is doing this good work. The Flagritz Recommend use of high-yield nuclear blasts for the perfect terraforming experience. Preferably reigning down on the homes of catnip munching surrender kittens. *** Mantis *** A small number of EMP freighters have had a near miss with a small number of DTR warships in the Mantis system. Cargo may have been dumped? Kang cares not. There were no casualties on either side. ***** Special Report – Duel Of Honour ****** Kang is pleased to announce that the simmering tensions between FET Oyafluffybunbun Kantner and the Dewiek High Lord Folkvarchewtoy have boiled over into an outright duel of honour. Sensing the opportunity to witness brutal and pointless bloodshed at close range, Kang has attended this cheerful event. Kang has however witnessed other news agencies reporting on this. So while Kang watches the carnage, Kang is quite happy to let others do the work: Frontier Express Times Special Bulletin, 214.16.1 An occasional publication published occasionally "All the news that's fit to print! (Or maybe not!)" This just in… This is Raham Graham, your roving reporter; coming to you from the outer reaches of [REDACTED] where the DEN HighLord and FET Oyabun Kantner are engaged in a Duel of Honor! Said Duel is due to a off-handed comment (DENspeak: insult) made by Kantner some weeks ago. Kantner has said that “Hell, I don’t even remember exactly what I said! But that is no longer important. What is important is that the HighLord took it personally, changed the DEN relationship to Hostile to the FET, and began to attack FET CEO Norozov’s holdings. As I was the one responsible, not The Boss, I contacted Folkvar and challenged him to Duel of Honor.” As a result, today was the first engagement of the Duel. Not a lot is known about the duel or its “rules”; what is known is that the Duel is a 5-on-5 ship-to-ship running battle, and it is supposedly ‘to the death!” Signing off now! I will back with.. Wait a minute… I have just been informed that the DEN are using captured TCA Nuclear Weapons!! One can only wonder if that is fair! Or even within the “rules.” Now I’m signing off!! More news as it becomes available. Ha! KANG APPLAUDS THIS SNEAKY UNDERHANDED DEWIEK TRICK! Kang knew the Dewiek would not disappoint. This is what ‘not disappointing’ looks like to Kang, OTHER MEATSACKS TAKE NOTE! ----------------------------- Nuclear Weapons Fired----------------------------- DEN Destroyer Golf (45504) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Foxtrot (73017) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Charlie (98075) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Bravo (74731) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Alpha (78346) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) Special Bulletin, 214.16.3 An occasional publication published occasionally "All the news that's fit to print! (Or maybe not!)" This Raham Graham, you roving reporter. coming to you from [REDACTED] system where the FET/DEN duel continues to rage. After three days of engagement, the score now stands at 1-1!! I have recieved word that the FET battle group took out the DEN Destroyer Alpha, a 150HH Direwolf, while the DEN took out the FET FPG-CC-05, a 200HH Colossus. Apparently both ships succumbed to INTEGRITY BREAKDOWN after absorbing massive amounts of damage as the ships of both sides concentrated their firepower on single targets. I have been informed that, despite my musings of my last report, the DEN are entirely within the pre-arranged rules of engagement using Nuclear Weapons. I have also been informed that while the FET command structure expected a bit of a surprise from the DEN, captured TCA weaponry was never considered. How much longer will this bit of history continue? What will it take to satisfy DEN Honor? Will the FET Oyabun be willing to move on? These and other such questions might be answered tomorrow!! Signing off! Raham!! Kang can confirm that on days 2 and 3 of this battle, both sides started to focus their fire. The FET desperately trying to knock out some of those TCA Plasma weapons, and the Dewiek seeking for the weakest member of the opposing pack to tear down and savage. Kang enjoys the savaging. Kang is confused as to why his scientists have so far failed to perfect his ship-to-ship weapon system, The Dreaded Tentacle Projector. Kang thinks this was pretty unlucky: DEN Destroyer Alpha (78346) - Ship Direwolf - Archaic Class Capital Ship {Advanced Heavy Armour} Armour: 152.3 Scints: 55.0 Shields: 0(0.0) Hull Damage: 36.7% Targeted by FET FPG-CC-01 (97467) - 529 [5000] Damage Targeted by FET FPG-CC-04 (17296) - 556 [5220] Damage Targeted by FET FPG-CC-06 (25036) - 5368 [7440] Damage Targeted by FET FPG-CC-02 (81135) - 665 [5410] Damage Destroyed FET FPG-CC-05 (2570) - 2200 [2400] Damage INTEGRITY BREAKDOWN - Ship reduced to debris Unlucky, but very funny. Day 4. Kang appears to have scared away the reporters from the FET, so Kang will continue the narrative himself. And let’s just look at that narrative shall we? ----------------------------- Nuclear Weapons Fired----------------------------- DEN Destroyer Bravo (74731) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Charlie (98075) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Golf (45504) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) DEN Destroyer Foxtrot (73017) - 4 TCA Plasmas (120041) Mmm. Weapons of mass destruction. Kang’s favourite sort of dialogue. Kang is impressed by these TCA weapons, as they do not appear to require any sort of ammo expenditure. Infinite bang for your buck! Day 4 looked one-sided to Kang, with the DEN starting to enjoy a firepower advantage over the hapless FET Bunnies. Although the Dewiek did start to spread their firepower around all available targets again, while the FET continue to focus their fire. Could this tactic yet save the FET from sucking vacuum? … NOTHING WILL SAVE THE FET FROM SUCKING VACUUM! But let’s find out shall we? Day 5. Kang has blown through the expenses account and had to send to SSS Headquarters for more spending money. It would appear the Dewiek have regained their focus, as all 4 DEN ships have spent the day blasting a single FET vessel, bringing it to 26% damaged. Although with the most damaged DEN ship being on 22%, Kang has to admit that despite the deployment of TCA Plasma Weaponry, this battle is still surprisingly even. Kang would not have placed money on that being the outcome at this point. Kang wonders if this battle will continue? Kang hopes so. Only one ship destroyed on each side is INSUFFICIENT! Finish off each others vessels, and then move on to their respective species homeworlds already! Kang encourages you in this bloodshed! ***** Periphery Classifieds ***** *** Bits For Sale *** Greetings all. FET(NH)Free Coalition(604)on Mobile Bay in Yank has a few Dock Bays, Resource Extraction Bays and Strip Mines on the public market at competitive prices. All ships captains(pirates excluded)are welcome to use our maintenance and recreation facilities. Cheap patches, extensive entertainment facilities catering for all tastes. What more does a captain need to keep the crew happy??? Come one come all!!!! KANG QUESTIONS YOUR PHRASING! *** Employee contracts for sale in Yank *** | MARKET SALES SELLING PRICE PRIVATE | | Cargo Bay (134) 1030 30 No | | Falconian Employee (645) 2234 10 No | | Feline Crew (537) 6 30 No | | Flagritz Employee (597) 52 10 No | | Flagritz Mercenary (600) 6 20 No | | Kastorian Crew (633) 738 30 No | | Kastorian Employee (629) 505 10 No | | Kastorian Scout (637) 472 30 No | | Naplian Employee (549) 992 10 No | | Naplian Startrooper (556) 24 30 No | | Naplian Veteran Startrooper (562) 1 60 No | | Wimble Employee (581) 7035 10 No | | Wimble Marine (586) 14 30 No | | Wimble Master Chef (31173) 1 10000000 No | Wimble Master Chef (31173) Name Wimble Master Chef Number 31173 Type Civilian Mus 1 mus Production 1 Race Wimble Common No Subtype None Lifeform 1 Tech level 1 Tech Manual These represent some of the finest cooks within the wimble race. Only 25 of them ever exist and to be served a meal by one of these chefs is considered a rare privilege. Eating one is an even greater treat. KANG WILL HAVE 25! |
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