***** Inter Galactic News *****
*** Acropolis Now ***
The IMP and GTT have brought peace and stability to Acropolis.
Your esteemed Editors apologise for our mirth and happy demeanour but those jolly good fellows, the Imperials and GTT have so merried up our minds, so as to transport them back in time.
Back to a time which was simpler and truer. A time where a good Imperialist could get a fair hearing and a colonialist was an upstanding sort, worthy of praise. Bringing the full doctrines of the True One and the Way of the Stellar to these feathered savages in Acropolis.
Of course, those vile dogs the Dewiek claim they were attacked. Be not afraid of their lies and deceptions. Sensible sorts will pay no heed to the words that follows:
"Over a thousands warships attack da Nashuns 6000 'ulled platfawm recently peacefully taken over from da
Falconian Republic. This acshun was deemed as necessary due ter attacks pf Empire sponsawerd FOC ships on da Nashuns shippin' in system.
"The Platfawm was destroy wiv all 'ands.
"A FCN fire base purchased by da Nashun wiv defend on i' is ordered opened fire in defence an' destroyed a number ov attackin' ships.
"We was in talks ter 'ry an' find a peaceful solushun an' da latest communicashun was been talked abaaaht by da High Council.
"However since da Empire suggest somethin' befawer we agree i' must be acted upon awer da missiles'll follow a few days after.
"The Empire as again attacked da Nashun.
"The consequences are theirs, innit.”
*** Bothersome Birds ***
The feather-brained Falconians refuse to unanimously welcome their liberation from ignorance and follow the Right Way of Being under the Imperial flag. These savages complain that justified Imperial bombardment of their planet is costing lives with some hundred Falconian savages and at least two abominable sea sponges dying.
As Lord Percy has been heard to say, the only good savage is a dead savage. However, for the delight of our audience and their amusement, please lend your ears to this savage Falconian as it tries its beak at the civilised tongue!
"Blimey! A force ov less van 500 Falconian marines 'as fer a second day runnin' staved off suicide assaults from poorly equipped, untrained an' grim-faced Naplian mercenaries - seemingly forced in'er battle by their Imperial overlords.
"There are as yet unsubstantiated rumaaahrs what child solders 'ave been seen bulkin' up numbers ter around 6,000 at da start ov da attack althuff 100s 'ave now been butchered by da determined Falconian freedom fighters. Around 150 Imperial assault tanks was taken aaaht by da base's few remainin' gun turrets, which are now worryingly close ter overheating.
"The small but spirited marine force is bein' suppawted by two thousand Falconian workers - includin' female teachers an' elderly cleanin' staff who 'ave pledged ter defend their 'omeworld an' da children an' babies sheltered fer now in da few remainin' safe zones until their last brearf.
"The base itself - a place ov great 'istoric an' cultural impawtance ter da Falconian people - lies in virtual ruins.
"The few remainin' survivors are now cut off from rescue by a fleet ov 1,200 Imperial warships blockadin' orbit.
"All 'ope seems lost. Nuff said, yeah?"
*** Meanwhile, in Venice ***
Hit show “The Ingenious Low-Born Noble Admiral Bridge” continues to engross Venetian populations as they marvel at the merry adventures of the fictional tribute to the galaxy’s only lively Detinus Senator.
Set in Detinus Grammar for Boys and Girls, a boarding school, the show follows school prefect Bridge, Admiral to his chums, as he dashes in charming fashion across the grounds, setting matters to right with a wagging finger. At least in his mind. His gentlemanly hectoring of the naughty boys from the Other School is a particular delight.
As the series drew to a close, the school burned around his ears whilst the jolly good boys and girls of DGBG drank copious amounts of tea and ginger ale.
No wonder the population of the DTR are streaming the show 24/7 right into their eyeballs.
*** Conga in Caribbean ***
The Flagritz ruffians continue to deal smack to frenzied Felines, this time in the formerly Falconian system of Caribbean.
A tedious exposition of events follows. We suggest ladies of a fine sensibility and noble manner, turn away now.
"Lawd above! Fightin' in da Cluster broke aaaht dis week in da Caribbean system
"Day 1 saw fightin' in da wawmhole orbi' between FLZ forces an' GTT forces which saw Bottle ov Glue FLZ ships destroyed while da GTT 'ave 1Bottle ov Glue ships taken down
"Worried da GTT put da call aaaht fer aid
"Day Bottle ov Glue saw da FEL rush in ter save da GTT fleet from bein' wiped
"No FLZ ships was destroyed but da GTT lost anuvver 9
"The claim from da GTT also switched from IMP ter FEL fer da system in quesshun.
"True ter Fawm FEL ran on day Carpet while extra GTT ship arrive. Neves mawer GTT ships destroyed while only Bottle ov Glue FLZ ship fall.
"Anuvver day an' major fightin' in da wawmhole all but saw da GTT wiped aaaht wiv anuvver Cock an' Hen ships killed fer only Carpet mawer FLZ.
"Runnin' total fer da week GTT CarpetNeves fer FLZ Neves
"The FEL force ran in'er anuvver group ov FLZ ships which saw Carpet ov da FEL fall wiv mawer da next day as they looked ter run again.
"Heavy fightin' on Bottle ov Glue1Neves.Bottle ov GlueCarpet.5 Bear's Paw da FLZ 'old up da FEL forces rushin' ter aid da GTT in bof Rock system an' Caribbean system.
"While two aaaht ov ammo ships fell blockin' da FEL forces 1 Bullseye Hulled ship an' allk on da FEL fleet an' was still standin' at da end ov da battle , innit.
"Blimey! Sean Bean while in A15 Caribbean mawer FEL ships was 'eld up fer no losses seein' da FEL ships destroyed awer takin' major damage.
"In uvver areas da GTT platfawm over Dominica was removed. Nuff said, yeah?
"Lor' luv a duck! After a week fightin' da GTT in Caribbean system we now look forward ter fightin' da FEL
"Fightin' in da Rock system an' Caribbean 'ave seen a number ov FEL ships destroyed awer damaged. Know what I mean?"
*** Henry Cromwell ***
Rumours spread by jealous rivals continue to pour scorn and mockery on our fine and upstanding Mr. Cromwell who has climbed the greasy pole of Mr. Wylde’s fine emporium of goods and services.
The fine bachelor is a prize catch and a fine catcher of prizes as well. One to watch in the society pages, we are sure.
*** To Besnar and Back Again, Jiggidy Jig ***
Foolish Naplian Liberators have stung at GTT Kriegerwerks (48816) on Frobqau in the backwater Besnar system.
These small-cranium fools continue to make unholy claims and refuse to accept their place in the Natural Order.
*** Scurvy Report ***
Privateer and handsome well-endowed fellow, Mr. Large, has struck against the dastardy dogs, the Dewiek, capturing four of their fat puppy freighters in one fine adventure. These will make fine trophies of the exotic savages for His Majesty.
Mr. Large brought further honour by roughing up asinine Association Traders and one ghastly Ulian ship as well. That’ll teach them for being different!
Hip-hip-hooray for Mr. Large! Hip-hip-hooray!
***** Periphery Classifieds *****
*** Warlocks - Fine Purveyors of External Cargo Sections Since 217 ***
Welcomes you to purchase aforementioned item at their boutique in the Yank system for a mere 18,000 stellars each. Hurry now and do mention the SSS for a free steamy beverage of swamp tea whilst you wait for your cargo decks to be placed in your cargo hold.
*** Sneaky Namica’s Sordid Secrets on Sale ***
Mr. Namica of the fine snout and beady eyes, has stealth technology to sell. Head on over to Yank system and buy today. Whilst you’re there why not pick up an External Cargo Section for a generously priced 18,000 stellars as well.
*** Wanted: SSS Columnists ***
We’re looking for columnists to help the Editors with regular columns along particular themes, for example tips for newbies or traders. If you’re interested please get in touch..
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