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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.21
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[Recruit] |
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.21.5
***** Inter Galactic News *****
*** Security Flap Disturbs Penguins ***
Increased security levels at starbases throughout the Peripheries have caused havoc with the transportation of rare penguins this week, as we hear the fuzzy little creatures have been triggering bomb detector sensors at a number of major starports.
This may have something to do with the rumours that have been circulating for some weeks now that the terrorist Kanji has been experimenting with stuffing innocent animals with high explosives before setting them free in petting zoos.
We contacted a veterinarian for comment, and he confirmed that the threat of exploding parrots is something the Peripheries should be far more concerned about.
*** Whoops – Where’s My Garden? ***
Un-named starships are being hunted by the authorities this week after a small fleet strip-mined a luxury golf course and several large back gardens in a leafy suburb of a holiday resort on Mobile Bay, causing outrage amongst local inhabitants.
The SMS have denied involvement stating that strip mining just isn’t their scene, as it doesn’t involve digging enough holes in the ground, digging holes in the ground is cool.
The RIP have denied involvement as it’s the wrong kind of stripping for them to have an interest in.
Leaving the FET cartel as the most likely culprits, particularly given the golf course belonged to Don Fandango – a criminal ganglord known to operate in opposition to the FET.
We would have contacted the FET for a comment, but frankly that seemed like too much work.
*** Tech Causes Run – Miners Happy ***
Details of the MkIV patch became known this week when canny Jacium miners leaked the raw material requirements:
Raw Materials
75 Metals (1)
20 Thorlium (20)
5 Jacium (30)
A brief flurry of trading activity followed, whereby Jacium Futures were bumped up in value some 3.4%
*** Outpost Lottery Concluded ***
The results of the House Ravenstone outpost lottery have concluded, with some winners reporting mixed success in the grab-bag of assorted goodies.
There are however unconfirmed reports that a patron of the Jiggly Room is reporting to have won the Yank system in the lottery.
A Junta patrol has been dispatched.
*** GCE Hit ***
There are reports that the GCE have been hit by a mysterious hacking attack that has siphoned all of the stellars out of their EEM bank accounts.
*** Wimble Marines Deployed ***
As reported recently, the Wimble nation does indeed appear to be going all out in gearing up for a much more militaristic display.
One of our elite reporters secured this rare shot of a newly trained Wimble marine preparing for battle, equipped with the latest MkIV Wimble Weaponry.
Be afraid Peripheries! The Wimbles are coming!
*** Piracy! ***
We understand a pirate ground force is currently attacking a Falconian outpost in the Arachnid system. Reports of exploding Falconians. More Kanji stuffed avians? Only time will tell.
*** String Theory Limits Boltzman Brain Threat ***
Scientists from the Advanced DTR Boffin School have published new research this week showing that the theoretical chance of the Boltzman Brain incident that recently remapped the Peripheries and caused two whole new systems to burst into being, is in fact unlikely to consume the entirety of known space within two solar years.
This news was received with a certain amount of relief, until these same scientists pointed out that they had yet to determine if all of creation could yet be unravelled within a slightly longer time frame.
*** CNF Announcement ***
Today a MRC vessel was destroyed in orbit of Crossonan in the Zewt system of Coreward.
MRC Robbed Royston (93074) - Ship
Wren Class Explorer {Medium Armour}
BLOWN UP!
This was in response to a MRC ship scouting the Confederate outpost on the planet surface.
Any entity entering orbit hiding behind a flag of convenience will be fired upon without warning.
This story has raised some interesting questions, where is the Zewt system? And how did the Confederacy come to have a Corewards system claimed in their name already?
*** Piracy ***
The terrorist Kanji has reportedly captured two AFT Wren class vessels this week.
Canny readers will already have spotted the avian connection in this news. Expect these ships to be stuffed with explosives and heading to a Starport near you soon!
***** Periphery Classifieds *****
*** Bank of Tranquility: New Executive Promotion ***
Are you a Political at one of the galaxy's respected Corporations*?
Good news! You are Pre Approved for a loan of up to $100,000 available at our Special Discount Rate of just 10% interest (p.m.)
Not a high flying executive? Don't worry! You too can benefit from our Special Discount Rate of just 10% interest (p.m.) with our quick and easy credit assessments.
Why miss out on that lucrative cargo or much needed infrastructure investment for lack of capital? At these low, low rates, the question is not whether you can afford to invest but can you afford to let your competitors take the advantage?
Apply Today!
Financial Advice: Credit ratings improve with timely repayment of loans. Build your credit rating today for your future plans and unexpected needs.
* Specifically: GTT, FET, AFT, SMS and GCE.
*** Market Re-opens ***
It is my pleasure to inform you that as of 213.22.1 (ooc: Tuesday's first run) the market at Dark Sun City will be reopened!
As promised, DSC will be buying various trade goods at very competitive prices, often offering the best price in the peripheries! And so your ships don't have to make a return trip with an empty cargo hold, we will also have many thousands of mu's of trade goods for sale as well. These goods will be restocked on a weekly basis, and are set at a very low price to ensure you can make a profit on them at your own bases.
But that's not all! For the aspiring independent trader, we've set our prices so that there will be several profitable trade runs starting and ending at DSC, so even if you don't have a base, there's still profit to be made!
And that's just the beginning. Soon we will be adding ship components, modules and even blueprints and techniques to the market. And eventually we will be offering fully built, ready to fly freighters for sale, so that you can buy and sell even more of our goods!
As Governor of DSC, my office is always open. If there's any goods that are not on the market that you'd like to see, or if you'd like to arrange a regular deal, or any other suggestions or queries you may have, I can always be contacted via PM to the estate of Censor Yaziid Tamir.
Remember, DSC is on Falconia, Delta 3 in the Acropolis system. It's only one jump from Yank, and open to all legitimate traders*. So make sure you take a look at the market report on 213.22.1 and see what's on offer!
We look forward to your visit!
Mercator Temuchin
Governor, FCN Dark Sun City (586)
*** Market Adjustments ***
Greeting all
This market will be shutting down on Friday for re branding.
When it reopens the tech, Non dewiek troops plus other manufactured goods will be on sale as well as selected trade goods.
The trade good buy market will be closed for revaluation.
On a side note other DEN markets will be adjusting there goods.
If this effects any in bound traders please contact this office who will arrange to buy your goods.
*** Another Market Announcement ***
Traders,
Just a short note to inform you that the supervision of DTR Retreat has been transferred to my offices. A comprehensive review of the public market is under way; my aim is to establish Retreat as the premier trading destination in the Peripheries. Watch this space.
Happy Trading!
Sarah Tenor
***** Overlord Kang’s Column Of Agony *****
Dear Uncle Kang
I have started craving granola instead of enemy throats and have started attending coffee mornings (Decaf) at the local Starbucks, where I gossip about other Wolf Lords.
To cut a long story short. Am I pregnant?
Yours worryingly
Frang
Dear Meatbag Frang,
Are you delusional? Do you consider the gestational status of any individual meatbag to be of the slightest interest to Overlord Kang?
Kang does not care, and nor should you.
But if you insist on knowing Kang recommends evisceration as the only 100% guaranteed accurate pregnancy test.
You know, this takes Kang back, draw up a seat and LISTEN ATTENTATIVELY WORTHLESS MEAT SACKS! FOR KANG WILL SHARE AN ANECDOTE WITH YOU! CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED YOU GROTESQUE AND PATHETIC EXCUSES FOR SENTIENT LIFEFORMS!
Kang remembers when his fifth concubine became pregnant with Kang’s latest progeny. We of the Warrior class of the Flagritz race consider strength to be finest determining factor of all, so when our females become pregnant they are sent away to special mountain-top military academies where they learn new and exciting ways to eviscerate the younglings of our enemies.
The ability to rip out the entrails of a mewling infant with your leastmost tentacle cluster is a prized skill, and one that is frankly highly erotic.
DO NOT QUESTION THOSE THINGS THAT KANG FINDS MOST EROTIC! LEST KANG VISIT YOU WITH HIS TENTACLES!
It all turned out to be an error, as Kang’s fifth concubine was not in fact with child, so I had the medical staff put to death, HOW WE LAUGHED!
FLAGRITZ HUMOUR IS THE SUPERIOR FORM OF HUMOUR!
Signed With Blunt Pick Smashed To Forehead:
KANG! |
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.22
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[Recruit] |
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No issue this week.
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.23
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[Recruit] |
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Subspace Static - Overlord Kang Special Edition - Star Date 213.23.5
***** Inter Galactic News – Overlord Kang Special *****
*** News Delayed! ***
Turmoil has gripped the headquarters of the SSS this week as I, OVERLORD KANG have decided to break free from the fetid chains of drudgery that the loathsome editor has kept me in, slaving away at some so-called Column Of Agony. THIS DID NOT SATISFY KANG! Thus your beloved Overlord has decided to take control.
Regrettably this has resulted in GLORIOUS BLOODSHED and Kang has been delayed in bringing you the NEWS as Kang had to BASH HEADS IN FIRST!
Kang does not need to explain himself to you, Kang simply wanted to make you aware of why this weeks edition comes in glorious blood spattered paper. IT TAKES MORE TIME when you have carved typeface into the bodies of your underlings in order to run them through the printing press. But Kang feels this was time well spent.
You are free to disagree with Kang, just as Kang is free to carve up your face too.
Do you want Kang to carve up your face?
JOIN THE LINE, MEATSACK!
*** Confederacy Nuke Civvies – Kang Applauds ***
In shocking news this week Overlord Kang may be forced to re-assess his opinion of the worthless human meatsacks known as the ‘CNF’ as Kang understands they have just annihilated an unarmed Detinus cruiser liner with Anti-matter weapons and BRUTALLY INCINERATED EIGHT THOUSAND INNOCENT CIVILIANS WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
Kang has seen the live feeds from this brutal slaughter, and KANG APPLAUDS YOU! There was literally nothing left of them or the liner they were on, this is one luxury cruise Kang would pay good money to destroy himself.
Location:
Venice (124) - {Alpha,13}
------------------------DTR SHIP Dragon 3 Alpha (66276)-------------------------
Shields: 3600[28.1]
Scint Coverage: 33.8
Armour protection: 18.8
Incoming Fire from CNF WIPE OUT 4 (54340)
-----------------------------------------
Round 1: 11 WoMD Launcher mkIVs (AM Missile)
- 10 hits - 4556 (132) [5000] damage - 100%
- Point Defence shot down 1 AM Missile
200 Missile Launcher mkIIs (Cloaked Kinetic Missile)
- 151 hits - 5183 (1831) [9060] damage - 100%
- Point Defence shot down 49 Cloaked Kinetic Missiles
Round 2: 11 WoMD Launcher mkIVs (AM Missile)
- 9 hits - 2556 (0) [4500] damage - 100%
- Point Defence shot down 2 AM Missiles
Ship attempted to flee on round 1
Ship exploded on round 2
Naval Damage: 8 Gatling Lasers (215)
20 Gatling Laser mkIVs (218)
19 Phalanxes (211)
22 Scintillators (125)
22 Scintillator mkIVs (128)
1 Sensor mkII (104)
72 Shields (115)
Military Damage: 41 Human Marines (506)
4 Human Veteran Marines (512)
1 Officer (733)
Civilian Damage: 5 AI Combat Navigator mkIVs (923)
1 Battle Bridge (101)
10 Bunks (98)
8 Cryobays (187)
10 Cryochambers (188)
8024 Human Civilians (500)
20 ISR Type 3 Engines (150)
1 Jump Drive - Backup (176)
1 Jump Drive - Hyper mkII (179)
18 Landing Engine mkIIs (169)
9 Magazines (135)
9 Thrust Engine mkIVs (163)
1 Wormhole Navigator (359)
1 Wormhole Stabiliser (189)
Ship hulls have taken 20000 damage (100%)
----------------------------- Nuclear Weapons Fired-----------------------------
CNF WIPE OUT 4 (54340) - 22 AM Missiles (3000)
CNF WIPE OUT 4 (61080) - 22 AM Missiles (3000)
CNF AD WIPE OUT 4 (15244) - 22 AM Missiles (3000)
CNF WIPE OUT 4 (87204) - 11 AM Missiles (3000)
CNF WIPE OUT 4 (55548) - 11 AM Missiles (3000)
KANG SALUTES YOU, BRUTAL CONFEDERATE THUGS! Kang hopes you have more weapons of mass destruction to slaughter more innocent civilian meatsacks with.
…
Kang is lying, Kang is still disgusted by you. But slightly less disgusted than he was this morning.
*** Republic Wins Award – Celebrations Painful ***
ESTEEMED travel publication Lonely Planet Guide To Peripheries has voted the Flagritz Republic as the number one tourist destination in the entirety of known space.
One Snivelling Earth Thing wrote: ‘I literally cannot recommend the Flagritz Republic enough, I’ve never enjoyed a holiday more, please send more pathetic meatbags to this planet that we might all enjoy a lengthy stay in a luxury holiday encampment where we will enjoy an exciting array of leisure activities including forced labour and brutal torture. And cake.’
The Flagritz Tourist Board is reportedly pleased with this achievement, and thank the publishers for their rapid capitulation. The Flagritz Empire offers much free cake to all who come and claim it.
*** Cat Rescued ***
Kang has been informed that HUMAN INTEREST STORIES should be included such that the fetid meatbags who wait for their turn to be enslaved feel warmth in their guts. KANG KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MEATBAGS FEEL WARM IN THEIR GUTS! And Kang does not need so called ‘human’ interest stories to do it. Rest assured, Kang has very little interest in humans beyond the amusing noises they make when they die.
But very well. Yesterday Kang was leaving his domicile and after making his way through the razor wire and minefield, Kang found his neighbour, an elderly Meatbag known by some as ‘Grandmother’ attempting to rescue her cat from a tree where the felonious feline had taken shelter, NO DOUBT AS SOME DISPLAY OF WEAKNESS!
Kang was happy to assist as Kang had been hoping for an opportunity to use his flame thrower.
Kang wonders why property prices in his neighbourhood are so low.
*** Humourous Interlude ***
KANG HAS A JOKE FOR YOU!
Why did the catnip munching surrender kitten Felini cross the road?
BECAUSE KANG SHOT HIM OUT OF A CANNON!
*** Wedding Woes ***
Overlord Kang has heard tale that some meatbags are concerned this week due to some sort of wedding celebration that went horribly wrong. By ‘horribly wrong’ Kang understands there was MASS SLAUGHTER involved.
Kang does not think this fits the definition of a wedding going ‘wrong’, to Kang this sounds VERY VERY RIGHT! And Kang welcomes the news of more bloodshed at weddings.
Kang remembers fondly his first wedding, if you have never attended a Flagritz wedding you have never lived. And likely never died.
*** One Meatbag Dead – Good Start ***
Kang has learnt that the meatbag known as ‘Diaz’, one time leader of puny earth-thing affiliation the so-called ‘Detinus Republic’, has perished. Kang hopes she died in agony. Kang understands this may well have been the case, as a leaked report seems to indicate she was poisoned.
Kang has dug deeper, it seems the meatbag Diaz was poisoned by a rare and virulent and virtually undetectable poison originating from Straddle, that was administered by a pair of shoes.
Kang applauds the ingenuity, but Kang is left to wonder what else is going on with this. Kang is pleased however, it brings a tear to Kang’s multi-lobed eyes that he lives in an era when even the humble shoe has been weaponised.
*** Another Humourous Interlude ***
What screams and goes round and round?
A FELINI IN A GIANT BLENDER!
What is silent and goes round and round?
A DEAD FELINI IN A GIANT BLENDER?
What is green and smells?
SAME FELINI, THREE WEEKS LATER!
What is funnier than a dead Felini?
A DEAD FELINI IN A CLOWN COSTUME!
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A FELINI IN A TRASH COMPACTOR!
What is more fun than stapling Felini to a wall?
TEARING THEM OFF AGAIN!
What is red and furry and cannot turn around in a corridor?
A FELINI WITH A SPEAR THROUGH ITS THROAT!
*** Worthless Race Commits Worthless Act ***
The wretched meatbags known as ‘Wimbles’ have dispatched what we laughingly refer to as their ‘warships’ to commence hunting down the terrorist meatbag Kanji.
Overlord Kang wonders what these sickening peaceniks could possibly hope to achieve.
But at least they are not as bad as the Mohache.
Now there is a worthless meatsack of a race for you. Kang would not even use them to clean his tertiary tentacular orifice.
*** DEN Commit Senicide ***
Showing their true colours the cowardly Dewiek have this week destroyed an ancient TCA vessel, the Fearing The Inevitable.
As Kang understands it, these TCA ships are so ancient as to be practically scootering around in the starship equivalent of a zimmer frame.
HAS IT COME TO THIS? ARE THE DEWIEK GOING TO BE INVADING OLD FOLKS HOMES NEXT?
Find a worthwhile opponent. You disgust me.
*** Just Another Dead Meatbag ***
Snivelling meatsack Kanji has been boasting of his capture of an AFT outpost in the insignificant system of Tramoss this week. Kang neither knows nor cares where Tramoss is located. Kang understands the AFT responded with photon and torpedo fire.
AT LAST! SOMETHING THAT OVERLORD KANG APPROVES OF!
Send more photon and torpedo fire immediately.
*** More Dead Meatbags ***
Pirate ground forces recently caught menacing Falconian positions in the Arachnid system appear to have been destroyed this week, as somebody finally reminded the pirates why they function best on starships. ORBITAL BOMBARDMENTS MAKE KANG HAPPY!
*** Pirate Destroyed ***
A lone skull class pirate marauder has exploded spectacularly when approached by a GCE vessel.
What? The GCE actually destroyed a pirate?
KANG IS SURPRISED! WITNESS KANGS SURPRISE! FEAR KANGS SURPRISE! KANG DOES NOT NEED ANY APOSTROPHES!
*** Outposts Subverted ***
Tedious whingebags amongst the Empire of Humanity have busied themselves with paperwork filing and captured several worthless Detinus Republic Suckbags outposts this week by issuing paperwork claims that the idiotic Detinus paperpushers approved.
Kang grows weary of this, why do these stupid human meatsacks not just annihilate themselves in a glorious spray of anti-matter already?
*** Skirmish Fails To Satisfy Bloodlust – Overlords Left Disappointed ***
Kang has heard tale of a small skirmish in the backwater Venice system where some human meatsacks scared some other human meatsacks. The second bunch of meatsacks sent some puny human ships to menace the first bunch of puny human ships, whereupon an insufficient number of meatsacks were killed in an indeterminate and insignificant action that bored Kang to death.
One wIMP cruiser was destroyed for one DTR cruiser.
Kang is disappointed that he cannot add one letter to ‘DTR’ in order to turn it into an insult. Kang will have to satisfy himself with the knowledge that the mere existence of the DTR is in itself an insult to basic Flagritz decency.
*** Outpost Smashed – Overlords Mood Improves ***
Ah, at last, a news story Kang can really get behind. A squadron of worthless Detinus meatsack cruisers has visited a GTT outpost and smashed it from orbit.
Did Kang not mention how much he enjoys orbital bombardments? Let us sit back and watch the explosions together shall we? Kang sometimes enjoys quiet moments like this, when he puts his tentacles up.
GTT KasSli M (88267) - Outpost
Targeted by DTR CL 28 RUNNER (52575) - 22096 [23736] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 GRUNION (30962) - 22465 [24187] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 ARGONAUT (77575) - 8987 [9705] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 SALAMAUA (36908) - 23002 [24862] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW BRITAIN (48165) - 15178 [16311] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 MILNE BAY (34640) - 23458 [25874] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 WAHOO (89336) - 22276 [24300] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW GEORGIA (50338) - 20400 [21824] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 GRAYLING (5566) - 21349 [22837] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 TRITON (76620) - 20950 [22499] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 PICKEREL (38408) - 22009 [23736] Damage
Unfortunately Kang does not know if the entire facility was reduced to a smoking ruin, Kang suspects not, as Kang would not trust a meatsack to do anything right.
***** Periphery Classifieds OF PAIN *****
*** Offered ***
Brutal subjugation. Contact KANG.
*** Tech Sale ***
Worthless meatbags the FET are selling worthless meatbag technology. Look at their markets IF YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT!
*** For Sale ***
Mohache traders are selling Mohache junk at a Mohache cesspit somewhere in the Peripheries. Kang cannot even be bothered telling you where. If you want Mohache junk, SEARCH IT OUT YOURSELVES!
Kang will take your happy trading and launch it with jet-assist up your ventrical orifice.
*** For Sale ***
The Dewiek, a race so worthless they could not even manage to annihilate the wretched Felini, are offering the contracts for some 5000 human soldiers.
Kang recommends simply dumping them in deep space without the benefit of space suits instead.
*** Sandcats ***
The GTT have sunk to a new low this week having offered for sale a large number of small cute primates of appeal only to little girls and Felini.
Kang wouldn’t be at all surprised if the Felini have purchased them all.
AT LEAST LITTLE GIRLS HAVE SOME SELF WORTH!
***** Psychic Bob’s KANG’S Periphery MAIMING Horoscopes *****
Aries: Psychic Bob was born under the sign of Aries, clearly he was as incompetent at horoscopes as he has turned out to be at breathing whilst my TENTACLES ARE STUFFED THROUGH HIS CHEST CAVITY! Psychic Bob did not see this coming. And neither will you.
Taurus: It’s not that you are stubborn, it is just that I really do want to squeeze your grotesque fleshy face through this cheese grater. Try not to eat on Friday as you will be dead.
Gemini: You’ll feel cheated this week when your kittens escape. That will teach you not to nail their paws to the floor like Kang does.
Cancer: You will fall victim to an unfortunate personality disorder on Tuesday that results in you killing and eating your work-mates. But don’t worry, they never really liked you anyway. So think of it as a fortunate personality disorder. Very fortunate indeed, as you will have forgotten to get anything for lunch that day. TWO BIRDS! ONE STONE, MEATBAG! ONE STONE!
Leo: You thought true love would last forever, but you will be disappointed to learn this requires more refrigeration than you factored into the equation.
Virgo: Don’t be so sensitive, it actually is your fault that you are a big fat worthless loser. KANG PITIES YOU, YOU DISGUSTING MEATSACK! Everybody thinks you look stupid in that outfit, except for Kang, Kang simply thinks you look stupid.
Libra: This week will be a good time to finally make that move into tentacle porn you’ve been dreaming about all your life but were too ashamed to admit to anybody you knew. Don’t worry, they’ve all read this now.
Scorpio: The stars are right, unfortunately it is you that is all wrong. Kang recommends throwing yourself into a wood chipper immediately. But set up a webcam first, KANG LOVES WATCHING PATHETIC MEATBAGS LIKE YOU THROW THEMSELVES INTO WOOD CHIPPERS! Also, try to do it slowly. Kang recommends starting with your left leg and going from there. Try to thrash around a lot in pain. KANG ENJOYS THE THRASHING! The position of the moon on Monday makes this an excellent day for gardening.
Sagittarius: Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. For the mighty Flagrtiz Empire, when we invade your homeworld and enslave you all. Well, those of you we do not SLAUGHTER PITILESSLY!
Capricorn: This will be a bad week for you when you find out Overlord Kang is having an affair with your wife. KANG OFFERS NO APOLOGIES!
Aquarius: Today is your lucky day, this time the bullet won’t miss.
Pisces: You are not a fish, but do not let this put you off making that record deep sea dive attempt with most lead weights stuffed in pockets whilst hands are handcuffed behind your back that I’ve been planning on doing with you on Wednesday.
***** Overlord Kang’s Column Of Agony *****
Dear Uncle Kang,
I am a kinda hard working lass, in a professional male executive environment. An everyday story of the usual female burden of sexual harassment, glass ceilings and high heels.
Anyway, while the 'guys' are copping off with the typing pool and the Chief is contemplating the next cocktail I am left to do all the work.
It really is no fun maintaining five million hulls of warships and freighters or ordering the exploitative extinction of a particularly soft, cuddly and tasty resource that does not reproduce very quickly.
I want to flirt with the gals and smoke cigars........what can I do to become one of the 'guys'?
Tearfully,
T. Hyde
Vile Meatsack Hyde,
Overlord Kang pities you, wretched human gender roles disgust Kang for their simplicity, we of the Flagritz suffer none of these issues as we have three genders, AND CAN CHANGE AT WILL BETWEEN THEM! WITNESS THE SUPERIORITY OF THE FLAGRITZ RACE!
Indeed when a Flagritz enters a feminine state, it is known that general levels of bloodthirstiness and rage increase exponentially, resulting in our female state gender being the most respected of all.
Kang recommends you follow the Flagritz lead in this, and increase your levels of brutally violent rage, in this way you shall earn the respect and fear of your co-workers, and as an additional benefit you will have bludgeoned many of them to death.
Once you have re-educated the meatbags you work with and they have learnt to fear you in the proper manner, you will no longer be concerned with trying to be like them, OH NO, FOR THEY SHALL BE YEARNING TO BE MORE LIKE YOU!
Challenge your paradigm worthless meatsack Hyde, break free from the roles your primitive society seeks to inflict upon you!
Choose violence. Choose brutal horrible violence. Choose a career that bathes you in violence. Choose a family that you can breed to be even more violent than you are. Choose a fucking big television on which you can watch replays of your most brutal acts of violence. Choose washing machines to clean the blood from your clothes. Choose cars to run meatsacks over with. Choose electricical tin openers TO COMMIT BRUTAL ACTS OF TORTURE WITH! Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments, FOR KANG IS NOT COMPLETELY IMPRACTICAL! Choose the most brutal friends. Choose DIY violence and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning when your invasion fleet is stalled in deep space because you miscalculated the time involved to transit. Choose sitting on a couch stuffing your face with the broken bodies of your enemies whilst listening to the lamentations of their women.
Choose your future.
Choose violence.
Signed with forehead repeatedly smashed into desk – KANG!
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.24
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[Recruit] |
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.24.5
***** Inter Galactic News – Special Contact Report *****
xGeneral Systems Vehicle - Bigger On The Inside
oGeneral Contact Unit - Displacement Activity
oRapid Offensive Unit - I See What You Did There
My fellow Minds… please tell me you’ve found something interesting?
~
xROU I See What You Did There
Just another backwater corner of the Universe filled to bursting with violent scarcity-era species obsessed with slaughtering each other. It’s quite cheerful really.
~
xGCU Displacement Activity
Pirates. They have pirates. I haven’t seen a genuine pirate vessel in years.
~
xROU I See What You Did There
Well, when you say ‘vessel’…
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
You do have to applaud their bravery, venturing into the depths of space in these tin cans. One forgets how dangerous the early days of inter-stellar travel could be.
~
xROU I See What You Did There
I have been amusing myself by counting how many of the locals ships have creamed themselves running at relative-local high velocity into asteroids this week. You’d be amazed.
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
I hit a planet once.
~
xGCU Displacement Activity
Yes, but only to see what happened.
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
Any news on their Smatter problem?
~
xROU I See What You Did There
Not so much of a problem at this time, locals reference them as ‘Meklan’, your standard bio-mechanical self-replicators. No sign of them becoming a system-wide consumption problem yet. A few break-outs here and there. Currently limited due to a need to cannibalise a sentient lifeform. Very inefficient for a nano machine. Interesting thing is what our old friends the Architects are seeking to do with them.
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
Yes, well, none of our business that. Would be bad form to interfere.
~
xGCU Displacement Activity
Speaking of why we are here, I’ve been parked in Boltzman for some time now, and no hint of the intelligence. I think whatever happened here we missed it.
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
Shame, spontaneously creating matter and order out of nothingness is exactly why Special Circumstances became so interested.
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xROU I See What You Did There
Are we still labelling this an Outside Context Problem?
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
Tentatively, yes.
~
xROU I See What You Did There
So I might still get to shoot something? Speaking of, this is interesting, I’m registering AM flashes in the Arachnid system, looks like the locals are having a disagreement. It’s getting messy down there.
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
Don’t let them spot you, not our place.
~
xROU I See What You Did There
Please, they’ve researched what they call MkIV Sensors, and then happily declared them to be the most advanced sensor apparatus imaginable and stopped all further development. They couldn’t spot me with the proverbial map and flashlight. Besides, how is all of that mind collecting going, mister not-our-place?
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
No harm in taking a few snapshots as we pass through. You know I like to collect. Particularly from civilisations that have not yet developed the ability to back themselves up. When this lot die, that’s it, they’re dead and gone forever. Makes you wonder why they are so concerned with ending each other.
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xGCU Displacement Activity
They still have the classics, art, literature, and offspring of course.
~
xGSV Bigger On The Inside
‘What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.’
~
xROU I See What You Did There
All things pass. Even us, on a long enough time-scale.
~
xGCV Bigger On The Inside
Speak for yourself. Anyway, I think we should be wrapping things up, I don’t suppose we’ll be back out this way, but leave some drones to monitor the Boltzman Event in case anything else happens.
~
xGCU Displacement Activity
Already done. Engines warmed up. Time to go.
***** Message From The Editor *****
RIP Iain Banks, a true gentleman, and a genius.
I never met him myself, but my friend was a close friend of his. And we all thought he’d have more time.
I hope he wouldn’t mind some Culture vessels wandering albeit briefly through our corner of the Peripheries.
Proper news over the weekend.
The Editor.
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.25
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[Recruit] |
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Subspace Static - Star Date 213.25.5
***** Inter Galactic News – Overlord Kang Special *****
*** Meatsacks Hammer Meatsacks ***
It is hard for Overlord Kang to say which group of meatsacks he hates the most, all of these human ‘affiliations’ fill Kang with bile and rage, Kang honestly does not understand the difference, you meatsacks all look the same to Kang. But Kang does approve of wholesale slaughter, and this is what Kang can happily report to you now. PREPARE YOUR FLESHY ORGANS ONCE AGAIN FOR NEWS INJECTION!
Tedious meatsacks the DTR have, and Kang chooses his words carefully here, mercilessly butchered the whinging meatsacks known as the IMP and GTT in the Arachnid system, when their fleet fell upon a large element of the IMP/GTT fleet that had for some reason become separated from their fellows. No doubt they could not stand their fellow meatsacks either and went their own way.
Kang does not know if this was a planned ambush by the tedious DTR, and Kang does not care. All Kang cares about is the entirety of the tedious DTR battlefleet fell upon 93 front-line IMP warships and 137 elite GTT warships and unleashed HELL!
It warms the cockles of Kang’s three hearts to report on the bloodshed that followed, and the vast number of anti-matter weapons exchanged by both sides, the GTT even launched nuclear missiles in their attempt to stave of their approaching doom. IT AVAILED THEM NOUGHT! As the tedious DTR blasted broadside after broadside into their outnumbered and worthless hides.
After a day of brisk fighting Kang is pleased to announce that the meatsacks known as the IMP and GTT lost sixty-nine 200 HH warships, sixteen 200NH, twenty-one 150HH and twenty-three 100HH making for a total of 129 kills whilst the tedious DTR lost two 100HH and one 50HH. Or 21,600 lost hulls versus 200 if you prefer your reports that way, and Kang does not care if you do.
Tedious DTR, Kang declares you to still be tedious meatsacks, but Kang approves of this sort of one-sided brutal slaughter. Kang still hates you, but when you kill meatsacks? Kang will tolerate your existence.
Kang hopes next time you all lose more lives however. Like all of them.
*** Pirates Fail Like Mewling Meatsacks ***
The pitiful excuse for a pirate vessel ‘The King’s So-called Palace’ has made a feeble attempt to bring bloodshed and slaughter to an AFT ship in the Titan system.
Kang has a place for peaceful traders like the AFT, and THEY WOULD NOT LIKE THAT PLACE MUCH!
But Kang would. Oh yes. Kang likes that place very much.
*** Miners Wish For Lifestyle Change ***
Snivelling dirt-grubbing whinging IMP meatsack miners have been blown up today by tedious DTR raiders. Kang would not care were it not for this cheerful footage:
IMP MT-26 (93266) - Outpost
Targeted by DTR CL 28 ARGONAUT (77575) - 4975 [5421] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 GRAYLING (5566) - 9356 [10012] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 GRUNION (30962) - 15938 [16987] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 MILNE BAY (34640) - 11778 [13049] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 SALAMAUA (36908) - 10160 [11699] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW GEORGIA (50338) - 9651 [10349] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 RUNNER (52575) - 10889 [11924] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 WAHOO (89336) - 12915 [14061] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 NEW BRITAIN (48165) - 5651 [6074] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 TRITON (76620) - 8856 [9674] Damage
Targeted by DTR CL 28 PICKEREL (38408) - 15861 [16987] Damage
If Kang pauses this footage and advances frame by frame, he can see limbs being blown off into space. YOU CAN WITNESS THIS TOO!
*** Insignificant Backwater Livened By Bloodshed ***
The Swamp system, a truly disgusting pathetic excuse for a planetary system, has seen combat this week as whinging meatsacks the Empire Of Humanity, comprising worthless IMP and wretched GTT, have launched a ground assault against the tedious DTR.
Unable to resist what some call the EMP Uber-GP, but which Overlord Kang likes to call a very large bunch of worthless bags of flesh waiting to be burst and stomped and torn, the tedious DTR defenders were quickly overwhelmed after just a few short days of fighting.
Well, what can you expect of humans? Kang asks you.
The very large bunch of worthless bags of flesh waiting to be burst and stomped and torn having overwhelmed the claiming Starbase for the Swamp system, are now understood to be in control, and are likely to claim this disgusting fetid bunch of mudpit planets for the Empire of Humanity.
Congratulations on seizing some nasty stinking swamps meatsacks. Kang grants you the slow applause of pity.
Kang does not know if anything worthwhile was captured at the tedious DTR base, but Kang doubts it, everything the DTR owns is tedious.
*** Hiport Destroyed ***
The Confederacy, a group that Kang still grudgingly respected following their brutal mass murdering of civilians with Anti-Matter weapons, have lost all semblence of respect following their pathetic destruction of a single tedious DTR Hiport on an asteroid in the Abyss system this week.
Kang barely considers this ‘news’ worth mentioning.
NOT EVEN ONE SINGLE TEDIOUS DTR LIFEFORM WAS KILLED!
What was the point? Really? Kang demands answers.
*** Flagritz News ***
Warships from the Empire of the Race launched its response to the destruction of more ships by the Confederates.
What remains of the Coreward Battle Fleet have engaged the Platform and outpost within the Zewt (251) system.
Kang is unaware of the outcome of this engagement. KANG OFFERS NO EXCUSES FOR YOUR FAILURE TO FIND THIS OUT YOURSELVES!
*** Skirmish ***
Pathetic rock-grubbers the SMS have momentarily aroused Kang’s interest this week having fallen victim to the Privateer warship Belesarius in the Blowton system.
SMS outpost ‘Home’ was rendered less homely by a full salvo of high-explosive ordnance from the Belesarious in orbit above.
*** More Ancient Cripples Destroyed ***
The Dewiek are reporting the destruction of yet another senile TCA vessel, the Manifest Destiny. Kang does not know what is wrong with the TCA, weren’t they supposed to be feared? And not just some worthless cannon-fodder for DEN guns? Kang does not think ancient alien superpowers are all they are cracked up to be, and Kang recommends we all organise weekend ‘Shoot A TCA’ parties so that we can all partake in the fun.
***** Overlord Kang’s Column Of Agony *****
Dear Uncle Kang,
A little while ago I returned home to find my lovely home half empty and almost anything that wasn't nailed down taken by my dear friends. They've also left me a nice note of what they would like to eat for the next two years. They like having their cake, which I will bake, and they love to eat it as well.
The problem is: I cannot find the cake tin!
Yours,
A Humble Baker
Meatsack A.H. Baker,
Kang suspects as with many of you worthless meatsacks that have approached Kang for advice, that you too are such a craven coward that you have avoided using your real name. Do not be concerned, as Kang has contracted agents to hunt you down that Kang might REWARD YOU PERSONALLY FOR YOUR COWARDICE!
In light of this Kang feels you do not have to worry an untoward amount about the location of your cake tin, as Kang will soon be breaking into your domicile to brutally murder you.
LET THIS WISDOM FALL UPON YOU ALL! Your worthless every day meatsack problems will seem much less of a problem when a homicidal alien overlord comes crashing through your front door.
Kang recommends you place the names of your ‘dear friends’ on a post-it note on the fridge that Kang might mutilate them once he has done with you. In this way you can die happily, knowing that your missing food WILL BE BRUTALLY AVENGED!
Signed with blunt cake tin,
KANG!
***** Message From Overlord Kang ******
Kang has been asked to post ‘congratulations’ on the ‘birth’ of fresh meatsacks this week.
KANG SEES NO REASON TO DO THIS!
Youngling meatsacks disgust Kang.
Unless they are lightly sautéed in butter.
Kang has some experience of youngling meatsacks, and suspects before long even their parents will soon wish to SAUTE THEM IN BUTTER!
Kang now has some other articles for you, these were not written by Kang, and thus Kang makes no apologies for the blatant lack of bloodshed in them.
Kang is ashamed.
***** Scavanger Hunt *****
Bank of Tranquility Presents...
The Great Scavenger Hunt of 213!
Roll up, roll up! Come and join the Greatest Adventure of the Year! Starting 213.25.1 the Great Scavenger Hunt will take contestants all across the Known Peripheries*! On offer - Great Prizes! Courtesy of our sponsor the Bank of Tranquility!
How It Works
During the course of The Great Scavenger Hunt, Twenty Five (25) cryptic clues will be given: testing your wit and knowledge!
Each leads to a location within the Known Peripheries*. Hidden somewhere in that location will be cargo dumps containing a Treasure Hunt Trophy (32740).
Collect the trophy and deliver it to Tranquility Gate (19715) on Peace (2955) in Tranquillity (400).
Hints
If a prize has not been collected 4 weeks after it was announced we'll give some extra information to narrow down the sector(s) of the world.
Finish
The hunt will end when either all trophies have been delivered or at the end of 213, whichever comes first.
Winning and Prizes
Prizes will be awarded to the POSITION that delivers the MOST trophies over the course of the scavenger hunt. Runners up places will be awarded to 2nd and 3rd place and everybody who delivers at least ONE trophy to Tranquility Gate.
Grand Prize $1,000,000
1st Runner Up Custom Built Advanced 200 Hull Ship
2nd Runner Up 2,500 Jacium
1 Trophy ** 100 Mohache Carved Gems
Small Print
a) Prizes are awarded based on total trophies delivered by a position not based on who owns the position or which affiliation / flag it flies.
b) Trophies delivered after the scavenger hunt is closed are not included.
c) We take no responsibility for anything that happens to you or you do whilst seeking the trophies. By consuming the binary data encoding of this message you have waived all claims of injury, trespass or other legal or health difficulties arising from your participation of this contest.
d) Mohache sadly may not participate.
Update Progress
As we deliver new clues we will also inform you if a particular clue has "dried up" and both trophies associated with that clue have been found. This should help you avoid hunting already collected trophies. We will try to do this as soon as we can although make no guarantees that we will do it in a timely manner.
Finally...
So get your treasure hunters ready! Have fun! And may the best sentient win!
* Public systems excluding Coreward Arm.
** Awarded for EACH trophy delivered except to Grand prize and runners up winners.
***** Cookery Corner *****
Extracts from Consul Armand’s Cookery book available at all good starbases.
Traditional Falconian Chicken Recipe (with Curly Parsnip)
Ingredients
1 Chicken (other flightless organisms may be substituted)
1 Curly Parsnip
Preparation
Feed the parsnip to the chicken. Seize the chicken and fly to a significant height. Release the chicken and let it ponder the evolutionary folly of letting farmers breed it to be too fat to fly. Watch the chicken bounce. Eat it.
Mohache Chicken
1 or more Chicken
1 freighter squadron
Preparation
Put the chicken in an item group. Use the freighters to move the chicken across the peripheries and sell it at vast profit. Eat out at a restaurant.
Chicken Krell
1Chicken
1 WoMD
Preparation
Microwave chicken using thermonuclear device. Search for chicken in ruins. Live in ruins
Chicken Dewiek Style
1 Chicken
1 Warfleet
Preparation
Declare the chicken as prey. Move diplomatic relations to hostile. Use the warfleet to gently bathe the farm in plasma fire. Eat Chicken. Eat Farmer.
Wimble Chicken
1 Chicken
1 Wimble Nation
Preparation
Become enslaved by the chicken.
Chicken a la KANG
1 Chicken
preparation
Torture the chicken to find where its family is. Pluck it and parade it through the streets for resisting. Enslave it. Eat it when it can no longer fulfill its quota.
***** Lanner’s Last Lament *****
Lanner's last lamment
Gentle beings,
Its been a while since my last piece of mindless drivel , so I thought I'd put pen to paper and share my enlightened view of things, after all we all live in an ever-expanding universe.... well obviously that dosnt include the DTR, I mean it seems their universe is diminishing each week at the hands of the land-grabbing IMP. Actually I dont buy into this 'one sided war' theory, I reckon its all one huge , elaborate tax fraud by which the DTR are transferring huge amounts of land to the IMP under the category of 'conquered territory' , thus both sides are avoiding the transfer and inheritance taxes that would normally be imposed on land transactions.
This leads me into my first observation, it is said that the definition of a good conversationalist is someone who can walk into a crowded room, begin an argument, have it expand to include all those present and then leave whilst everyone left behind go at it hammer and tongs. If so then ex-viceroy Githyanki has taken this art to a new level ... after all he managed to start a war that (seemingly) only he wanted and has now moved on, leaving the mess of trying to extradite oneself from conflict, to everyone else. Top marks... mind you he seems to have stumbled a bit with his new venture, by rights an affiliation named 'DOM' should be overflowing with appropriate recruits but that isnt the case, so my free advice would be to recruit that Calypso chick, get her dressed in her leather-clad finest and put her on all the DOM recruiting posters , along with the words 'I want you' ... that should solve the recuiting problems ... now where do I sign???
Now we come to the most baffling of cases, I refer of course to the mad dogs known as The Dewiek. Only recently we all sat and watched in awe as they handed the Felini their asses in what was a brilliant miltary campaign and then when we all expected them to kick on and subject everyone in the known galaxies to a huge dose of endless pillaging, what happens ? .... they go and join an anti-slavery offshoot of 'Greenpeace' .... now instead of telling us all that we are going to die horribly, we get told to 'save a slave', that old bitch Adoghina must be turning in her grave, especially as the DEN's closest mates are not exactly squeaky clean when it comes to trading in living flesh. Having said that, those of you with long memories will remember my anti-slave speech at the Falconian Republic's inaugural bash, so I'm 100% with the DEN on this one.
The 'domestication' of the DEN does mean however that the role of global terrorist must once again full squarely on the shoulders of my old FET mukka ... 'Crazy Kanji' .... and as always he is playing that role to the fullest. I have to admit I can't help thinking I missed out on a good business opportunity over his 'Wimble Pies', I am sure I'd have found a grand market among my hive population .. as for the morality issue, well you know what they say ... its only illegal if you get caught.
On the subject of moral ethics, its great to see that the Mohache can still come up with new ways to fleece us all. Not content with charging over-inflated prices for their 'tat', they have now expanded into that noble profession .... banking ... they should really be able to poke the punters up the ass with this venture.
Time now for some tributes .. the GCE deserve a special mention, going from social lepers to trading giants under the renewed leadership of their founder, Mr Garcia. Its also great to see the wimbles 'manning up', plus the Hex leadership must take credit for having led the Hex for this long without humanity banding together and partcipating in a genocidal 'bug hunt'
Lastly a mention of my old outfit, the FET. Old Norozov must be commended, his rebranding of the FET into yakuza style cartels is brilliant, maybe if it had happened years ago I would still be there. I can just picture myself all tooled up with a 'daisho' and surrounded by a personal guard of ninja chicks, plus the pagodas and water gardens would be great for the nerves, but I draw the line at eating raw fish, something for my hive population maybe.
Anyway, I is signing off now, probably for the last time... times is hard and my material mainly comes from the IGN and other periodicals ... alas I dont think I'll be able to pay the subscriptions (donations welcome) anymore. Shame really, the SSS seems to have hit a winner with its 'ask a tentacled beastie for advice' column ... however there is a precedence ... back on 21st century earth there was apparently an octopus that could forecast football results. Now we have a psychotic squid acting as an 'agony aunt' , be interesting to see what happens when some 90 stone, acne infested teen writes in saying they dont have a girlfriend, one can only imagine how they will take to being told 'your life is meaningless, maggot ... throw yourself off the nearest cliff' .... sound advice though.
Stay cool
Perigrine Lanner
Dedicated to master k ... a giant among bugs
***** New Affiliation Born *****
Star Date 213.21.1
There I was again on Mei Mei Mei. My friend Mahalo Jones wanted to introduce me to some starcaptains interested in joining my upcoming new affiliation. Yes, I had secured enough funds to pay the fees for such a venture. Yes, I had managed to acquire a reasonable number of ships. Yes, I had even landed a great deal on a starbase. But I was still missing one important thing: a name for the new affiliation.
So there we were, comfortably sipping our Mei Highballs (one part Peace Whisky, one part Mei Aqua) inside a temperature controlled glass domed pub by the starport, and Mahalo Jones wouldn't stop pitching names for the new affiliation.
"You are explorers and adventurers. The name should reflect that. How about The Adventurers Club?"
"Nah, it sounds like a group of kids who want to be pirates when they grow up. We are serious explorers, not just adrenaline junkies looking for a cheap adventure."
"The Exploration Emporium? The Explorers Consortium?"
"Boring. We need a name with more oomph. We are not just good explorers, we do it with panache. We are like a league of..."
At this point, everyone in the pub stopped talking and focused on the four fellows coming out of the ship that had just docked at the starport. Mahalo Jones had told me who we were meeting but seeing them nonchalantly walking together was still a surprising sight. Four friends who had fought many battles side by side, four ex-mercenaries who had decided to change careers and become explorers, four species that you don't often see working together. One Feline Mercenary, one Human Mercenary, one Krell Mercenary, one Wimble Mercenary, all dressed in light battle armor and carrying guns that had clearly been used many times. Their ship proudly stated its name: Los Cuatro Amigos.
Behind me, an old lady couldn't contain her amazement.
"How extraordinary..."
"That's it!" I smiled. "That's who we are. That's the name of our new affiliation. We are the League of Extraordinary Explorers." |
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PayPal.Me/creditKJCaccount
Don't forget to include your account number in the message. |
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
Solo claim swings back and forth
The situation in Solo appears to be getting even more heated. First the NHS dropped 600,000 troops to contest the system and then the DTR answered with enough troops of their own to trump the NHS claim. The NHS found yet more troops, taking the contesting claim up to 750,000 and once again the DTR answered, bringing Solo back under DTR control. Now the NHS have had a look down the back of the sofa and found yet more troops, taking the contesting claim to a massive 900,000 trained troops. We wait to see if the DTR have an answer to this. We can only guess where all these troops are coming from, but what is clear is that the established affiliations clearly have far larger armies than many thought.
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
NHS attempt to claim Solo away from DTR
In a shock move the NHS have contested the Solo claim with a huge garrison of 600,000 trained troops. In a move that nobody saw coming, especially as it was unknown the NHS had such a large force of troops to draw upon, the NHS seem to be provoking a response from the DTR. Currently there has been no word from the DTR in how they are going to deal with this claim jumping, although rumours are that they are pretending the Solo claim doesn't really matter to them and so action is unlikely. However this may be a smokescreen and we may yet see the DTR's powerful fleet cause havoc in the system of Solo, which has for a long time been an important junction and fought over by many different factions.
DNA Chairman TonTon resigns
The following communication has been leaked from the DNA to the GTT's PD.
Greetings CEO Fox.
It regrets me to have to inform to you that the DNA nation state will be renouncing its claim on Aladdin system following a ceremony planet side, shortly.
However, it gives me great pleasure to have to inform you that these ceremonies are being planned by Vladimir Tavikovitch, the South Road Traffic Coordinator. He is also responsible for all DNA and .ore. assets in the Outer Naplian (Capellan) periphery so if there are any further issues, please take it up with him.
For any and all other matters, please forward your request directly to the DNA directorate services at NexusID: DNA people.
The Foreign Ministry objects one last time to your illegal claim jump of Aladdin, but we realise it is time to de-escalate.
Normally i would sign off with Naambta, but doing so would be hypocritical. Let me say good riddance instead.
I hereby resign in protest!
Chairman TonTon,
Foreign Minister, DNA
cc: Directorate Services personnel coordinator - !urgent resignation!
DTR threaten WMB with fines for multiple breaches of DTR Law
Lady Sylvansight of the DTR has issued a fine of 1,000,000 stellars to the Wimbles for multiple breaches of DTR Penal and Territorial Law. This seems a very brave move of the DTR to risk upsetting the huge and warlike WMB when they also have the rival NHS Solo system claim to deal with. No word has been recieved yet that the Wimbles are going to pay, but if the formidable WMB warfleet is seen heading for the DTR home systems we will know what their thought are on the matter. The DTR and WMB fleets going head to head would be a sight to behold.
*** Affiliations ***
AFT Association of Free Traders (54) - Marion Tweedy
BLG Bolg Organisation (22) - Akhenaten
CIA Combined Intelligence Agency (64) - Laton CIA
DNA Displaced Natives Asylum (66) - DNA people
DTR Detinus Republic (58) - Morley Decker
DWK Dewiek Packs (19) - <Unknown>
FCN Falconian Republic (70) – Graspien
FEL Felini Tyranny (49) - Kr'Shan
FLZ Flagritz Republic (47) - Kayxaer
FET Frontier Exploration & Trade (56) - Cu Chulainn
GTT Galactic Trade & Transport (52) - Xavier Fox
HEX Hexamon (23) - Tranquility
KRL Krell (30) - Namica
KRT Krell of the Reverence Temple (37) - Cyn
KST Kastor Kastorians (12) - Kastor
MOH Mohache (73) – Listens
NHS Noble Houses (41) – Roy Roberts
NLF Naplian Liberation Front (38) - NLFHQ
SMS Stellar Mining and Smelting (53) - MikhailM
WMB Wimble Nations (25) - zz
* Leader MAY be inactive, affiliation may be active
** Only known contact, please update us if this is incorrect.
NPC / FoC: ARC, CIV, CGT, FRE, HBO, HEF, IND, ISP, JCN, MEK, MRC, PIR, PRV, TCA, TRN, KAS
Inactive: ANT, COD, BHD, DEN, DOM, GCE, HVE, IDC, IMP, RIP, RCF, SKW, TAG,
*** Submissions ***
By private message to The Editor or via Mica if you prefer to remain anonymous. |
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
DNA and GTT clash over Aladdin system claim while Pirates look on.
The GTT have this week launched an attack on the DNA outpost in Aladdin, in what appears to be little more than a turkey shoot. Around 100,000 GTT Naplian Startroopers attacked the DNA position to remove the rival system claim. Reports indicate the DNA garrison were taken by surprise and lost control of the base in the first few hours of the fighting. The base has since been reflagged from [Free Naplian Capital] Peaceful Protest to [Loyal Naplian Capital] DNA claim Ended so it's fair to say there was a clear message being sent by the GTT. We have been waiting for the DNA leadership to comment but so far they have been unusually silent. No doubt when they have crawled out from under their desks they will have something to say on the matter.
While this attack was going on several pirate ships were also seen in Aladdin, according to the GTT in what may be true or may be a diversion, with reports of a pirate GP and scout being destroyed while a 150HH pirate warship slipped away and escaped from incoming anti-pirate patrols.
Secret meeting of the EEM
A recent communication intercepted by one of our top reporters today made us aware of a meeting of the EEM. This is underway in a top secret location called Black Pool, which sounds suspiciously like the lair of a pirate band. After pulling in many favours, we were able to identify some of the attending members. On the bases that they won't be named we were able to find out some slight information of the subjects to be discussed at the meeting and one thing is for certain, there could be huge impacts to the lives of everybody living in the galaxy. Details to follow. When the shadowy figures of the EEM come together with the top political players in a pirate base the possibilities are endless!
You are never more than 6 systems from a RAT 🐀
A new saying has arisen in the bars and spaceport of starbases throughout the many peripheries; you are never more than 6 systems from a RAT.
It is understood that this saying originated in Yank and spread by trade vessels to peripheries far and wide. Many starbases have heightened their security and added additional sensors and locks to various entry points including foul and grey water outfalls. Beer and drug stocks are undergoing increased proofing to avoid the critters gaining entry and consuming the stockpiles.
Will this present as a new plague of proportions never before seen or is this some simple urban myth being spread for the amusement of some mischievous entity? Who knows, but to be certain... check the shadows.
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This year we will again be returning to the Briardene Hotel. They were welcoming, the bar didn't run out of beer pre-covid and there was room for quiet chats. Along with Wetherspoons there is the Victoria just down the road (Sam Smiths - last time beer was around 2 shillings per pint and a full round was less than £10).
Mostly drinking beer and talking toot though we have a good few things on the agenda.
Bookings are done directly with the hotel. Book by phone and say that you are with KJC Games
Briardene Hotel
Telephone: +44(0)1253 338300
All staff should be able to deal with the booking but if there are any problems ask for Tracy (manager) as she dealt with all our foibles in previous years. |
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
Dog days are over
With the fall of the DEN and the implosion of their home territory as the AFT, DTR and GTT moved in, it was unlikely the Dewiek would rise again. The DWP gave the species a little hope with the Dewiek Pocket Periphery kept under lock and key. But news has reached us of the AFT's penetration of this private area of space that's been locked down. With a base and claim in one of the three visible systems it seems that the end of the Dewiek is near. A once noble and aggressive race, determined to make an impact on the galaxy is now little more than a species that lives under the command of others. A sad end to a once powerful species that used to control a significant part of known space.
Pirate activity continues
Yet more reports of pirate activity have been received, one from the WMB, losing a freighter in Solo and another from the FET who reported they had engaged and hit the attacking pirate ship with several weapons before it managed to make off with it's prize. Hopefully the pirate ship took significant damage and will now be out of action for some time. The Corewards periphery seems to have been plagued with pirates recently and many travellers would welcome a break from attacks.
MEK incursion into Corewards
The FET and GTT have mounted a joint venture into Nog-Kesri to tackle a MEK force. It isn't known where they have come from, with the only other MEK ships seen so far being located in the Orion Spur. The lack of a known link between where they have appeared in Corewards and the Orion Spur has caused some concern among planetary populations as who knows where they could turn up next! Fortunately the combined FET/GTT task force dealt the MEK a heavy blow and the threat has been eradicated. But we all know this is unlikely to be the last we hear of the MEK in Corwards and we would encourage ship captains to keep a keen eye on thier sensor screens when travelling near Nog-Kesri.
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
CIA freighter fights off overwhelming pirate forces
Fin Saine media broadcast, What is Hot in the galaxy?!?!
MEKlan forces attack in Corewards Arm
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
Aladdin faces ongoing DNA/GTT tension
The tensions between the DNA and GTT in the Coptuv system recently spilled over into the DNA system of Aladdin. A significant party of GTT ground troops has reinforced one of their bases in the system and claimed it, forcing the system claim into turmoil as the DNA finds itself under threat of losing the system. With the DNA chairman asking for help, several affiliations have been seen sending ships to evacuate any in the local population that want to escape the GTT. But so far not a shot has been fired and despite the AFT, FEL and DTR assistance no reisistance to the claim jump has been encountered so far. It remains to be seen if the DNA and it's friends will scatter before this hostile take over or put in a last minute counter claim to thwart GTT intentions.
Increasing pirate activity
Recent reports indicate a new surge in pirate attacks with the AFT and GTT reporting ships lost. Knowing how some don't like to advertise losses we wouldn't be surprised if this is the tip of the iceberg. Reports passed to us show the ship PIR Scavenger running ID 43174 and another ship of the same name running ID 68668 have both been in action with successful boarding attempts. It's unknown whether these are seperate ships or the same ship reregistered, but our information suggests that it would be hard for these pirates to cover the space where these attacks happened with just one ship. One thing is for sure, be on your guard as open space is not as safe as it once was.
GCE ships loitering in deep space
After the fall of the GCE and a lot of their assets being shared or purchased it was thought that the affiliation was no more. Yet deep space scans indicate that there is still a significant number of GCE warships holding station in deep space between Coptuv and Yank on the transport route into the Corwards Arm. Nobody knows what these ships are up to and why they are still flagged GCE, but our best guess is that are captains either awaiting new orders or owners after the fall of the GCE command structure.
*** Affiliations ***
AFT Association of Free Traders (54) - Marion Tweedy
BLG Bolg Organisation (22) - Akhenaten
BHD Brotherhood (63) - de Molay
CIA Combined Intelligence Agency (64) - Laton CIA
DNA Displaced Natives Asylum (66) - DNA people
DTR Detinus Republic (58) - Morley Decker
DWK Dewiek Packs (19) - <Unknown>
FCN Falconian Republic (70) – Graspien
FEL Felini Tyranny (49) - Kr'Shan
FLZ Flagritz Republic (47) - Kayxaer
FET Frontier Exploration & Trade (56) - Cu Chulainn
GTT Galactic Trade & Transport (52) - Xavier Fox
HEX Hexamon (23) - Tranquility
KRL Krell (30) - Namica
KRT Krell of the Reverence Temple (37) - Cyn
KST Kastor Kastorians (12) - Kastor
MOH Mohache (73) – Listens
NHS Noble Houses (41) – Roy Roberts
NLF Naplian Liberation Front (38) - NLFHQ
SMS Stellar Mining and Smelting (53) - MikhailM
WMB Wimble Nations (25) - zz
* Leader MAY be inactive, affiliation may be active
** Only known contact, please update us if this is incorrect.
NPC / FoC: ARC, CIV, CGT, FRE, HBO, HEF, IND, ISP, JCN, MEK, MRC, PIR, PRV, TCA, TRN, KAS
Inactive: ANT, COD, DEN, DOM, GCE, HVE, IDC, IMP, RIP, RCF, SKW, TAG,
*** Submissions ***
By private message to The Editor or via Mica if you prefer to remain anonymous. |
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*** Inter Galactic News ***
Tension in the Corewards Arm
With the DNA obtaining several ex-GCE bases in the Coreward Arm it has found itself in the middle of an asset grab of serious proportions and aggression. Our reporters witnessed several GTT troop carriers heading for the Corewards system as the DNA published information suggesting they were accidental owners of the system and that the assets were to be moved on. As the GTT ships started to arrive the bases were quickly passed to the CIA, thus thwarting the GTT intentions as they were hardly likely to start dropping troops on their allies bases. This shrew move by the DNA seems to have calmed matters in the Coreward arm temporarily, although the shift in relations between the GTT and DNA has taken a negative turn. When asked what their next move might be the GTT refused to comment.
GCE collapse
The GCE are no more, save for some scattered light freighters. The affiliation which enjoyed a sharp rise and profiltable relations with many has ceased trading. Rumors point to the GTT buying up GCE assets before stripping the rival corporation of anything of value. Although our reporters at the SSS have been quick to point out that any GCE assets not in GTT systems have been taken over by both the DNA and FET. So it seems many different affiliations were able to profit from this development including a new group called the HSH who appear to have taken over the GCE war fleet. No doubt many in the peripheries will be watching with interest where these ships are used, who the HSH are and how they were able to get thier hands on so many warships so quickly.
Secudus trials
In the Cluster Secudus has continued his trials, claiming to root out terrorists working against the Empire. With tends of thousands of beings being sent to the camps or worse. There is no sign of these actions stopping as the NHS clamp down on the locals and bring them under the harsh control of the Empire.
*** Affiliations ***
AFT Association of Free Traders (54) - Marion Tweedy
BLG Bolg Organisation (22) - Akhenaten
BHD Brotherhood (63) - de Molay
CIA Combined Intelligence Agency (64) - Laton CIA
DNA Displaced Natives Asylum (66) - DNA people
DTR Detinus Republic (58) - Morley Decker
DWK Dewiek Packs (19) - <Unknown>
FCN Falconian Republic (70) – <Unknown>
FEL Felini Tyranny (49) - Juris
FLZ Flagritz Republic (47) - Kayxaer
FET Frontier Exploration & Trade (56) - Cu Chulainn
GTT Galactic Trade & Transport (52) - Xavier Fox
HEX Hexamon (23) - Tranquility
KRL Krell (30) - Namica
KRT Krell of the Reverence Temple (37) - Cyn
KST Kastor Kastorians (12) - Kastor
MOH Mohache (73) – Listens
NHS Noble Houses (41) – Roy Roberts
NLF Naplian Liberation Front (38) - NLFHQ
SMS Stellar Mining and Smelting (53) - MikhailM
WMB Wimble Nations (25) - zz
* Leader MAY be inactive, affiliation may be active
** Only known contact, please update us if this is incorrect.
NPC / FoC: ARC, CIV, CGT, FRE, HBO, HEF, IND, ISP, JCN, MEK, MRC, PIR, PRV, TCA, TRN, KAS
Inactive: ANT, COD, DEN, DOM, GCE, HVE, IDC, IMP, RIP, RCF, SKW, TAG,
*** Submissions ***
By private message to The Editor or via Mica if you prefer to remain anonymous. |
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******Empire Syndicated News Network (ESNN) ******
Welcome to the latest version of ESNN, giving the news and views from the ESNN's reporter and news anchor, Ainsley Moore, making this the peripheries' most favourite and most reliable unbiased publication in the known universe from our home in the Heartland,
And so with the news from the last couple of weeks,
Cluster War! DNA Gather Fruit
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